Emotional baggages.. how does one shed them.. If it were physical.. one would simply toss them over the veranda or into a torrential river and let the frothy white water tear it to shreds and flush it into oblivion.

In all our lives, the seemingly endlessness of all the garbage we have been fed and all the gunk we have to swallow is made only less bearable by the passage of time.. Either the length of which one has to tolerate it.. or the fact that we had to pass it not being able to do anything about it.

29 this year.. and what was first take with seeming non-chalance.. has recently taken a turn for the worse.. slipping in to the dark side is a seeming obvious option that one does not really need to try to get into. It seems staying single might have really been a better idea, and then it dawned on the basic scenarios that play out or have been playing out all my life. Singlehood while bearable has always been a mixture.. a suspension that is dotted with anecdotes of days gone by.. where relationships came to fruition and that somehow imploded or fell through one's fingers like catching smoke.

She was someone I'd have gladly sold my soul to. long story short.. it may be a forgone conclusion.. but like grains of sand that dribbles from the desperate grasps of man.. it ebbs beyond one's control.. this prolonged yearning but loss has lead to moments when one is barely in halfs in anything. It seemed that I was perhaps not fated for that thing that I was looking for. Just someone who would be able to live with me and that I would want as much as she would want me.. I guess that is it.. a cruel game that has been laid upon us.. that disgustingly improbable probability where one is to find that other half.. When actually it was really just that other whole that would make me feel less like the only one on this planet.

Many would protest about the other items in ones life.. like the love from one's parents or the prospects of better work progress in one's life.. however.. nothing gives more gratification that the embrace and spiritual tether by one to another. I dare say.. even a hundred million dollars would pale in comparison once the novelty wore off.. and I think it will.. even if it took a few years to set in.

I felt like I ran a marathon in my head all day.. chasing after this seemingly endless pipedream. Should I persist and try to inch my fingers to hers.. trace her silhouette in the air.. reminisce the smell that is her hair.. the twinkle in her smile.. the depth of her eyes.. the air of cool that drives me to madness and aww.

Think hamlet got it right those many years ago.. to be..or..

It was a mess... probably still is..

There is A, B and C.

C likes A but A hasn't been responsive much..

and after a  long while, C decided that since A was not responding he should try elsewhere.

Sort of hit it off with B.

Moral dilemma 101.. its just too complicated..

how does one solve such things.. time for some brainstorm to de-tangle the noodle.

btw frd said,

at the end of the say, it depends on the kind of rs you both are having.
 if she has no plan to b with you  then what are you going to do about it.

if she likes you enough or at least willing to try then she would have long been with you.

think valentines day anyhow spend with pple de meh?

in the end you have to think bout what exactly are u being responsble for.


Then some heffalump with a donut for a brain becide to drop and "urgent" matter and the resolution was something that required so many pirouettes I think ever margot fonteyn would puke.

Like that I am able to do stuff.. and that the skill is applicable.. but the appreciation.. and the structure here kinda sucks.. OMOMOMMOMOMOMOMOMOMOOMOMOMOMMOMOMoOo.

Scrubbing through my brain.. think somethings need to be thrashed out.. others just trashed..

Wish life would be alittle lighter and the road ahead.. brighter, straighter..

Think a getaway is in order.. but on the other hand.. one should save up for the stuff in life that matters.. it is yet another dilemma.. wtf..

Whiplash.. 

So much love in the movie.. the irrational rationale of a being so extraordinary that it brings about childhood memories of many. Less extreme perhaps.. but every so relevant. In the Singaporean context, perhaps army boys.. In school, not unlike that perversely pedantic English teacher who reign supreme and induces feverish shudders as the deadline for assignments drew near. 

He once gave me a few words that i feel mirrors this quite succinctly. "Give your garden water in the form of sweat." nothing lyrical, just in a just simile for me to guide myself when I have graduated and am away from this "torment". 

The movie grabs my pupils and reigned them in. A mental tug-o-war that was won over the moment Terence Fletcher collapsed upon the peaceful symphony and "demolished" my preconceptions based on the earlier reviews. This piece driven in part by what was seen, more by what has been heard and more so even by the memories of that one demonic mentor who sort not only to raise us to standards.. but also spring us beyond. Not sure if you can see this but I hope this reaches you somehow. 

To that English Teacher, I hold in my mind forever, momentary bursts of mild contempt as I look upon my younger foolish self but always with the holding gaze of awe and a standing ovation from afar.

Leverage..

From the depths of my despair comes the heavy steps toward liberation.

dressed up and readying to head out to escape from the stifling gasps of disappointment.

The further from home.. the better it seems to feel... but the feeling never truly goes away.

And then.. the sky opened.. leaving me all blown about and wondering if i'll be in at all the right shape to turn up for the launch.

Luckily .. a lady came in from her grocery shopping .. IN A CAB!! oh the blessing...

but the fare, coupled with the torrential downpour and skittish cab driver, was downright scary at 24 bucks..

considering the fact that its a distance i cycle to and fro often.

It was a congratulations and some standing around.. then comes a flash of amazing purple...

All that i got was a name and a picture from a monkey.. it was salvation type conversation with one of understands and reciprocates while delivering novelty in the conversation like never before. Yes its a girl and No its not a crush.. but its nice to have someone to speak to since most of the persons there were mingling and speaking to themselves..

Hope very much to meet that person again.. and on top of that... more person like that.. :P

Judged by my mistakes..

Fucking annoying.. did wrong but accidental.. a weak defense i know.. yet here i am judged by my parents... when the young in the family commits an error.. i moved in to stop.. only to realise that i haven the credentials to judge or act on what i believe to be right.. in the corner of my eye lies the incessant judgement that marks me as a felon in the family ... something that i dun think any amount of atonement will correct or redeem myself.. but i find the mark unjust and i long for a void of escape.. yet that be my very weakness.. always moving away from situations that i dun want to be in? am i to ride this through to forge myself? to wrought myself upon an unfortunate anvil... or steer clear to get my own space?

Casting this out into a void.. something that has been on my mind since the longest time..

I want my own life.. my own space.. my own ride.. my own time.. not dictated by any...

400th..

修得浮生，半日閒

今天是我感恩的一天

健康，家庭，愛情，人生

雖有未足之處，但無不激之處

感謝這個能讓我片刻休息，以比常人慢的腳細看生活。

我發現了我生活中的幸福。

尤其在近日里所發生的林林種種的不易.

父母對我的寬恕。女友對我的耐心。姐姐們的關懷。

讓我走一道我想走的路.

只希望我永遠知足

這路上曲折，多虧有了他們。




修得浮生，半日閒

I feel useless and redundant total.. like a waste of space in every facet of my life.. that all my choices in life has been made up of wrong choices.. a worthless entity that is better swept into the ocean or a landfill.. In a society that does not accommodate mistakes.. i guess i'm the epitome of one.. made up of many others.. from the beginning of my life till present.. i've done more to take my life apart than put it together..

I've always wanted to be greater than the sum of my parts.. but i cannot please everybody.. yet it seems to be all i've ever done.. this stretch culminated in todays occurance..Its a heavy day .. reprimands.. warnings... harsh cold words.. like shards of ice puncture me... or whats left of me..

i wish i were someone more accomplished.. who does less wrong.. who doesn;t vex those about him.. but what should i do.. i've got nothing left.. like a bellow with no wind.. outspoken me.. knowing stuff.. doesnt count for anything anymore.. all i am now.. is but am empty shell. The confidence i've never had is now but a clammering void.. what was nothing is now negative.. there are things i'd boldly try.. but with mistakes and the many cruel jabs of fate comes the closure on that spirit

must i be a limp git perpetually reminded of the idea of normality and the need to conform and put myself in the best light.. but that is tiring and without direction.. it just serves to make me even more loss as i try to please all and in the end screw myself over..

i feel like an idiot.. 1h hits 2cs.. and being reminded over and over how useless ive been.. i dunnoe what to do anymore.. the wish to tide and time to calm things seem not to work for me.. in a time where the spirits wish not for my success.. but my demise.. i feel exhausted from the trials and long for nothing more than peace and quiet... for a life that deals me no extremes.. were all is linear.. this is but a fools dream.. but i feel something that i need .. for everyone's life is one that i seem to fail at it over and over again..