Sunday, January 20, 2008

i am in halves.. or wait.. its quarters.

dear diary..

the above is like the most cheesy and over used openings to journal entries..
sorry if am not the most faithful diary writer..

it seems i am not really good and faith.. or being faithful anyways.
through out history it seems.. i am ever constantly swayed.

it was only yesterday.. i was off from guard and headed home.. then back out to the beach for volley..

started ok..i always liked volley..the crowd.. the sky.. the sun.. the winds..
it gives mea void.. some where for me to clear my head..a temporary hiatus if you will..sadly..the beach.. was kind of depressing..

on this end of the spectrum i feel i am losing my momentum of life.. i feel i could just lie down and my next blink will be my last..gasping for air.. and gettign kinda loopy..

its like concentrating on concentric circles until you realise thats your noose and very soon you'd suffocate and lay dangling hangman style.

i am caught in a situation.. something i find oddly familiar.. woman trouble.. or rather brain trouble.. it seems to lack the ability to right it self.. i am in this terminal state of wat ifs.. and now in to a nother phase of buts.

i was involved with someone whom i poured my heart into.. she was an enchantment.. and spectral, phantasmal illusion i wish to believe.. as she was one whom i devoted regardless of all the "w" factors... who what where etc..

now i am attached with someone else.. but that day at sentosa.. t just rushed at me like some tsunami... in all calmness .. it hit me square in the face and for the whole time i was suffocating and drowning in thots and memories that set my mind awashed.. it was bitter...


but being attached with one other... yet still having thots of a another is a most heinous crime.. i felt immense guilt and an even bigger sense of betrayal. at this moment in time.. i wish i do not have to do the worst.. but it just seems to lead that way... should i break up with my girlfriend who is this cutesy intelligent being so worthy of adoration who has developed a realtionship with someone with no real merits to speak off.. again guilt.. or sometimes i wish i could take in a final frame and off myself.


hurts..

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

dear lord..

of al thinngs that happen.. we cnanot actaully control wat others would do.. hence.. the traffic jams.. the squeeze in some train abins and some empty.. some pretty and others not so.. and etc.. today i got the chance to be more equal than others.. honest.. i was stunned beyond belief when i got whiff of wat happend.. i could not belief my ears.. and at first.. treated it as wrong humour.. and backed off.. but pple around you tend to take it as really fun and twill on and on.. its like watching insects squirm.. plain torture..worse still i kinda became worse when one is unaware..its like a jab.. then all one ever gets are these shards and never knowing who planted them around..

the hilarity continues.. i feel like a specimen of how ugly a human can get.. and somehow.. it reveals to me the many human monstrosities too.. well this little mishap led to many gloats.. and jokes and pokes.. and taunts.. but too much hurts.. its not like i posed and exposed my self for such attention.. i dun need this..and to those who know wat i am toking about.. please.. i ask for no more.. than a peaceful retreat and that all is just lost into an abyss where nothing is lifted.. not even a sinew of such.. as unglorious as it is.. my participation in such is as much as is.. an embarrassment.. which is consuming me whole .. and plenty vexing.. to the soul who took the picture.. its plenty unpleasant when pple take pictures of other pple for watever purposes i shall not explain further.. but i think there should be due amount of personal space for issues no matter to be discussed.. before it hurts.. in which case.. i really do wish the person a holw load of hell.. becasue if you hadn't considered my stand.. why should i consider yours.. this sod it attitude did not com amongst nothing..


i have done wrong.. but please give me a chance to live.. this feels like a life sentence... and while many will deem htis a melodrama and an absolutel exaggeration.. i'd like to see how you'd handle it.. when someone gouges out some chunk of your personal self and exposes it to the world around you..

i feel i have nothign more to say than that i hate myself for having done that.. i hate the person for having been trigger happy and inconsiderate.. and i hate to say this.. but i hate the taunts "jokes" and many devices thrown at me.. meeting such with a smiling face kinda makes it as hard as it would be.. try not to make it worse.. to those who gave the much sympathy and pacifism.. its much appreciated.. not matter genuine or hypocrisy.. i thank you for at least that instant..

for those who know wat this refers to.. reflect.. for those who do not.. i would just say unto you to stay your words.. and not a breather more.. i shall be eternally grateful.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

虎Tiger Born in: 1926 1938 1950 1962 1974 1986 1998

Personality
Courageous, active, and self-assured, a natural leader, passionate and independent. Possibly restless especially if born at night. Rebellious and dynamic. A warrior and center of attention. Quick tempered but considerate. Affectionate but careless. A roaring success awaits the Tiger.In the East, the Tiger symbolizes power, passion and daring. A rebellious, colorful and unpredictable character, he commands awe and respect from all quarters. This fearless and fiery fighter is revered as the sign that wards off the three main disasters of a household: fire, thieves and ghosts.The Tiger is a fortunate person to have around provided you are prepared for all the activity that comes along with his dynamic personality. The impulsiveness and vivacity of the Tiger person are contagious. His vigor and love of life are stimulating. He will arouse every sort of emotion in people except indifference. In short, the captivating tiger loves being the center of attention.

The Tiger likes: Changes, New experiences, Flattery, Surprises, Quality and Parties.
The Tiger dislikes: Boredom, Criticism, Ignorance, Responsibility, Laws and Slowness.

Compatible Animals: Horse, Dog
Incompatible Animals: Snake Monkey

Your Luck In Year 2008
Overall Forecast
This year is a test of endurance for Tigers compare to previous year. Control your temper and rashness. Evil stars gather in your life cycle, undertakings are not good. Thus, be extra alert with regards to business establishment, expansion or career advancement matters.The career luck experiences fluctuations, business dealings are with many setbacks. Working persons should continue to be adaptable to environment; and performance is also continued to be in good lights of your superior. The young Tigers lack the drive to study, coupled with confused moods. There may be mouth and stomach illness, so take note of daily meal consumption. Beware of muggers when outdoors. Take greater care of the elderly at home. Take precaution against fire hazards.Wealth luck is low, proper income is stable, with no signs of windfalls, so control your spending tp prevent cash flow problem. There may be loss of monetary funds, so manage your finance prudently. This is not a good year for relationship matters, where there are communication issue with family, and lovers; be more tolerant and caring.

Career
This is a good year for working Tigers, so boost up rapport with others; everyone across the organization is in harmony, causing tasks to be done more efficiently, and being able to assume more crucial roles. Those keen to establish business has to meticulously draw up a sound business plan, survey the market situation personally, and to avoid making loss. Business owners should preserve their business value this year, network broadly, control temper, where being haughty and conceited will incur disastrous defeat. Tigers who does not get involve in risky stuff may see miraculous events.

Love
Love affairs are often affected due to your mood swings, which make yourself unbearable to be with. Cut down on your bad temper. It is pertinent to sustain harmony between couples, be tolerant and show care. Even when there are disputes, there are chances of remedial. The singles will have the chance to associate with opposite gender during the 5th and 10th lunar month, however the link between the two of you is so transient, but note that haste brings failure.

Wealth
Wealth luck is dim and lack support, so prudently manage your wealth, and save for the rainy day, or else you will suffer at the hands of financial crisis. Proper income luck is stable, with no signs of windfall luck, so stay away from gambling, to avoid being debt laden. High risk or illegal and speculative activities should be avoided at all cost. Do not assume loans or role of a guarantor this year. There is also a fear of sudden events happening in the family causing huge monetary loss. Avoid small dark lanes at night for fear of mugging.

Health
Health is weak, anxiety and frustration upsets your sleep, resulting in more illness. It is wise to be optimistic to all matters. Take note of food hygiene. Those with past illness should watch out for possible early signs of relapse and seek treatment promptly to curb it from worsening. Take note of elderly health and home safety. The very first aged may suffer from illness more easily.