how did i find you.

of all the people that i've met in my lifetime.. there are so many that wisp pass me without me knowing.. yet some clinch to the back of my head like i've got dart markings on it.. and some even manage a bullseye..

in all this.. all i see is fear... fear that i might falter again.. fear that i might make a mistake.. fear that i might make the wrong choice.. fear of hurting others if i need to leave ..

what if if doesn;t work out
what if i can;t provide for her
what if i she falls for someone else.
what if i fall for someone else
what if she doesn;t love me like i do her.
what if she's the sort who eats man for a living
what if she's a serial killer
what if she;s godzilla reincarnated..

okok.. you get the point.

sometimes i think i dun belong .. its almost infuriating..

splinter / thorn

it drives one to his insensibilities.. everything is a weird concoction of conflicting components..

the more i drive at it.. the more it binds and blinds.. the noose tightens round my mind

feels not unlike a thorny branch... plunged deep within.. it hurts to keep it in.. death ensues if pulled out..

what seems like cupids arrow is really a poison tipped barb fates cruel spear..



innocuous plunges that have since become torrents of cruel stabs.. feeling drain.. deprived.. thirst but not for drink.. hunger but not for food.. an endless wander where the lifting and landing of steps seems driven not by need of a destination .. but the need to occupy the mind with a droning repetition while flood my eyes with scenery only to find them blind to all but the image in my mind..

blows the dust off and put the sheets off..

I'm back and anew.. well almost..

i seem to be dragging so much of me behind..

i wish i have a clean slate to begin on.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

It kinda was three years ago.. well soon to be... i thot it ended.. it did not..

she's still waiting.. all this time.. i thot time as always served to wash and wear off the effects of that fateful acquaintance.

Ok.. btw.. i AM watching "serendipity" if you dunnow wat that is.. i guess you prob won't get the rest of this.

All this while.. in her absence.. i missed... i missed... ... i missed her...

Everyday i reminisce... drives me while and gives me the energy which i ride out.. day after day..

and then the day came when i decided that the lack of communication and the holding on to this mirage is going to ultimately do me in.. hence i sent a mail out to her ... ...

i decided that it'd brilliant to move on...

did not work out.. couple months down... she messaged me...

"I missed you" three words that blew my mind like a freaking mind grenade....

until recently .. she says she's been waiting for me... and the fact that i'm affected is saying plenty about how much i miss her too.

yet i know its not possible...




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when i thot all was over .. i decided to move on....

then i got to know this beauteous.. the one person that seems to be on the same track as me..

similar thots.. sophisticated..cute.. smart.. bakes well..

imaginative...sweet.. she's got the cutest voice.. artsy...

all in all i want her..


and just about 3 days ago.. a message came..

now my mind is a ball of gunk...


save me..

this is the closest thing to crazy that i've ever known

to go really crazy would be unthinkable. a state i know could be attained if i hadn't control. so restrain i must till you return. the craze shall pass and in all loveliness for your beauty and charm i'll yearn..

yearn

misplaced...mishapened...in darkness I harkened...I chased the promise of your glow.. and a wisp of light, i boldly follow... the sinewy trails fall lay by fate... so fragile and frail it lay in wait... for the day shall come when you've returned... that i shall more than ever.. for you i yearn..

HZ

i miss her lips already.. and its only for that transient moment.. capture in frames.. as years of wanting surge through us.. and motioned my fingers through her silky tresses.. my vision blurred.. my senses heightened.. hands trace down her back.. a heck to the world around.. devoid of any sound..for i think for once that wat i wanted to find was found...

paper and charcoal..

i wish there was someone who would teach me how to draw.. there is a picture i wish to translate in coal.. as photographs jsut seems too harsh.. - i used to think that photography is a hand that i never had..having never been able to will a pencil in my claw of hand... i searched for the tool and thot i found.. today i found it empty.. i wish to lay down some lines...and trace the very silhouette my mind has etched