twirl..

before i dive into some french stuff i got at the book fair.. yes.. i went to the book fair.. shocking..

well not really.. just that for a book fair that is held by "harris" well its like.. erm... not that bad. but some how i do have doubts about their marketing scheme.. not too sure it really working the way it's intended..

well.. its not really borders...

people still cannot shake off the popular thing..

well.. the title is twirl.. plainly because my brain is no longer some knotty noodly thing .. i thinkpretty soon.. i'll transform it into some pate looking thing which is all kinda swirl twirly.. think sundae..

well its like this.. i am with this gal.. well more like.. i think.. cos she is 7 hours flight away.. with really hardly any communication.. replies come like a stork sends them.. but when they come. its sweet like you ate a tonne of miracle fruit cos it makes everything feels great..but it later just blows off.. and how long is this going to last.. its been like this for 2 years..almost..

i thot at some point.. we kinda broke up.. cos i was saying somethign along the lines of.. how about we remain as friends and when we meet we'll pick up from there.. then she disconnected..

so i thot.. ok.. single and i shall pick up from there..

saw this really nice gal.. and thot .. it should be nice to hang out with.. no intellectual barrier.. no language barrier... she wows the shorts off me.. very pretty.. sweet voice.. fair skin.. essentially you get the geez..

but her being the shy sort..it was hard to get her out.. until recently.. i managed to.. but.. on the date itself. i got a message from this the 7 hours away gal..

i felt like some curse was there...

its like whenever i felt like i should move on.. the "fates" would send post-its about the (one you met by chance).. it like serendipity.. the movie.. except..the guy in the show was gettign married.. which is worse.. so i ain complaining. but how long more do i have to wait...

i just wish they was a sure sign...

in the meantime i guess its platonic friends then.. sadly.. can;t put my foot down.. disappointed with myself

max payne..

the movie sucked
wat can i say.. as aguy who played the game too many times.. the movie is a goner.. aptly called a ripoff.. holy mother.. you follow all the names and characters but not the story line.. even if somethign unexpected is supppose t turn out.. how does it fit?

and worse still mark wahlberg for this?

same goes for hitman.. it was such a miss.. a big headed baldy for the hitman..

noted .. alot of pple say.. the two roles above should have gone to jason statham...

how did these guys even get approval to shoot this..


bored tired.. swooned.

choices.

i know life are full of choices..

btu sometimes when one is as good as the other how would you know?

also wat if its not a matter of one from the other but one from maybe 5..

its so boggling. literally shite..

well i sure wish i could be more decisive..

btw.. i just landed myself in so much shite..

liek numero uno shito..

i fell.

and so deep too...

i've never been in so deep..

think i'm stuck.

oh .. love is a gawdy issue ..really..

lovelovelovelovelleaoaloeakokoskaiwliakslajd

honestly.. once you try to type it repeatedly it does get a tad blurry..

alot of pple lose sight of things.. and i have to say. i'm not really helping..

and writing a lover issue themed blogroll over a bogroll and topgear playing in the

adjacent window doesn;t really help.

well the thing is .. love should be love passion and obsession..

but in the current society.. where pple dun live as long as just enough to discover they are naked..eat an apple.. cover themselves with leaves and make out..

we need alot more to substantiate a relationship these days..

its alot to worry about..

how to find..

the perfect girl/guy

how to see if he or she is the "perfect one"

then.. you date..

but if you weren't happy with it..

breaking up.. involves war for awhile.. then finally a break which leaves both sides in abit of a dog's breakfaast.

much later.. the guy may feel guilt and decide to go at it the second time.. cos maybe she'd have changed.. or vice versa.. you know the guy gal thing.. i am really not that diligent..

then after he or she foudn the perfect one..

the marriage becomes an issue.. where to register.. where to hold the dinner.. which church.. etc..

then.. the flat.. or the condo.. or the island..

then.. kids.. boy or gal..

then...like wth..



so as you can see. the story is plenty complicated.. arrrrghhh...

.............................................................................................

the thing is this..

there are so many love stories in my life.

i'm not saying they are all mine.

mine are always the i have a crush on you sorta thing...
so no resolution on that i guess.. hahah..

well.. wat made me write this piece would really be a friend's situation.. and i am god thankful tt the tumultuous times are mostly over..

its a case of not enough communication.. imprecise communication.. insecuritities..

alot of guessing.. and worse still both parties of the couple were my friends.

the girl happen to be one of my closest friends .. while the guy happens to be one of the guys that i happen to just be able to clique on things mostly.. and we were classmates.

when the conflict began i felt guilt cos i intriduced them to each other initially..

then later i got really guilt ridden..

the girl confided in me about the stuff.. and i had to be impartial..

whilst the guy was being all silent.. and irresponsive..

i was getting worried..

i was afraid.. that it might have been over cooked...


well.. just so you know.. all is well.. i honestly wish things will get better and stay better for a long long long long time for these two at least..

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FORGIVE ME BUT THIS HAS TO BE DONE IN CAPS..

BECAUSE I AM HUGELY DISAPPOINTED BY SERVICE IN SINGAPORE...

THE THING IS.. THEY EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND.. BUT WE KEEP ALL THE BRAGGING STUFF ABOUT US BEING SO EFFICIENT AND ALL THAT LA DIDA..

HONESTLY. FALL OVER AND HIT A TREE OR SOMETHING.. ITS A HIDEOUS SCAB ON THE IMAGE THAT IS BUILT UP IN ALL OTHERS MINDS. AND ALOT OF EXPATRIATES ARE SAYING SINGAPORE IS A BRILLIANT PLACE COS THEY COULD HIRE SOMEONE TO DO STUFF FOR THEM.. AND COME ON.. TO BE DEADLY HONEST.. IF YOU ARE RICH.. ITS FINE HERE.. COS.. MONEY REALLY DOES MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND.. BUT THE THING IS.. IN A COUNTRY THAT WHIPS ITS CITIZENS ON THEIR BACKS TO TOIL ALONG AND DRAG-ON FOR THE ECONOMY.. ITS EFFICIENCY IS APPALLING...


I DUN NORMALLY GET CHEESED OFF AND YELL AND PPLE.. I NORMALLY WOULD PUMMLE THEM TO PULP FIRST.. THEN STAB THEM.. THEN YELL AT THEM..BUT TODAY IT WAS SERIOUSLY THE LAST STRAW... I CALLED A CERTAIN COMPANY S*****B ABOUT SOME SERVICES.. AND BECAUSE OF SOME BLITHERING BUFFOON BLABBING SOME BLIGHTY BONKERS BICKERED BOLLOCKS THROUGH THE BLOODY PHONE..AND ITS SOME CUSTOMER SERVICE "HOTLINE" MUST BE SO HOT.. COS I CALLED IT ALMOST 7 TIMES IN 30 MINUTES AND CAN'T GET THROUGH..AND EACH TIME I CALL.. I HAVE TO WAIT FOR SOME NUMBNUTS TO TALK ME THROUGH WHICH BUTTON TO PRESS AND THE LATEST PROMO.. AND AFTER LIKE A THOUSAND BUTTONS LATER.. SORRY.. ALL OUT CUSTOMER SERVICE OFFICERS ARE CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE.. PRESS ONE TO HAVE US GET BACK TO YOU... OR HANG UP TO END THE CALL.

DO YOU BLOODY THINK I CALLED YOU SO MANY BLOODY TIMES TO FUCKIN HANG UP???

DO I LOOK LIKE A BLOODY HUMPBACK MARSHMALLOW STUMP TO YOU?

WAT SORT OF BLARDY HOTLINE IS THAT?

IS HOTLINE MORE LIKE BOLLOCKS LINE FOR PETE'S BLOODY SAKES..

I'M NOT SOME ANAL ANORANK MOANING ABOUT ALL THIS CRAP.. BUT THE LAST TIME I CALLED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT AN AWARD WINING DESIGN MP3 PLAYER..I GOT THE SAME BLEEDING DIDDLY AND DOO-DAH..

FOR HOLY MOTHER OF GOSH SAKES.. DONOT CALL IT A HOT LINE UN LESS.. ITS A I CALL YOU PICK UP THING.. AND IF YOU WANT TO PROVIDE ANY FORM OF CUSTOMER SERVICE.. PROVIDE THE BLOODY CUSTOMER SERVICE.


OTHER WISE.. GO SCREW YOURSELVES.

you belong to me..

this is a really nice song.. amazingly from shrek..

i really had no idea.. well.. i loved it at first listen..

yum..


for your listening pleasure too if you find it.. or found it.



Lyrics | Jason Wade - You Belong to Me lyrics

i think i know wat i want.

she's all natural.

she's brunette (pref conditional)

she's tall bout 175 (conditional)

she's into cars or things with wheels. haha

she's pure at heart and filial.

she's independant but willing to talk things out.

not necessarily a knock out but soothing to the eye.

no tranquilizer please, would prefer salsa or tequila-ish sorts.

have tats maybe at the small of her back or ankle. (cute, sweet .. yum)

lat but not least.. able to stand me..

you know some of these things are so darn hard to find..

we are essentially looking for a next of kin of sorts..

the one family we've yet to've been reunited with..

well its a round the clock story..

in this urbanite concrete and steel jungle of trellis structures and "I" Bars and glassy facades.. we're now barked by the very fundamentals.. other than the need to work.. out ability to maintain our population has become a problem..

this kinda makes it even more stressful..

well we all have our ideals.. its just how we step down or one up ourselves..

if we "just make do" and get married and boost population.. divorces would rise.

if we marry our ideal.. we'd probably take ages to marry them.. or even after marriage to maintain the pulse or the passion.. this couple may decide we won let a kid ruin this peace and not have kids.. then proceed to live till ilve bores them out.. and sex no longer thrills.. cos it has become a mundane repetitive process that has become so monotonous they start to stray.. then comes the inevitable divorce and etc.. which honestly lands in a total wash out..


our society has to tune down our pace of life... in a land where making do is a death note.. i am not too sure the birth problem would be solved..

we are never satisfied.. if you dun have a kid.. the gov says have one.. but then there after you dun take care of it.. then.. maids come in.. then kids get spoiled.. then the school dun care.. or are too scared to care.. then more spoilage.. then the ever influx of new techno and clothing trends.. and parents too busy making money to fuel the wants then forget to see the other end of the spectrum till its almost too late..


this vicious cycle has to stop some where.. and honestly sometimes i think bringing in of foreign talent ain bad.. sure it get competitive.. but with moderation it would be help ful.. and honestly witha global population exploding.. contributing to it feels like a global irresponsibility.. but then a governments most immediate concern is indeed the welfare of the state and the people.. have to say they've have done quite some job.. and mustbe hell too.. but the pace is really quite at the peak with pple working till white hot almost.

well thankfully enough there are more pressurised environments.. maybe one day.. the pressure will tone down. and pple will be able to enjoy a lifestyle (having the time of your life with your kids and celebrating life.. and not trying to live stylishly... BMWS hugo boss and loewe bags maybe..

a double edged sword.

copy and paste..

i'm afraid i've lost momentum with all this blogging .. thing it just takes the piss out of my life.. well not that i'm having much of one now..

Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true..

i love this verse.. i love the movie that had it.. i love that it was so random and that this opportune moment has led me to something that i can refer back in some page in my mind.

btw.. i wish life was simpler.. black .. white.. alittle less grey.. sometimes our wants may out weigh our needs.. well i sure hope.. things light up more..

miss her.. but she ain mine to miss no more..hope she finds herself freed.

i dunnoe wat to say.. i feel like a bastard.

i know i am a bastard... or i just have a really bad case of commitment issues.

well i know i write about this all the time. guess its really not helping too but i really want to get it off my chest.

this would be a event of mixed feelings.. remorse? alittle melancholy? a death wish? andd floods of good feelings.

ii have to say.. i hardly goo clubbing. (shame? not) well not liking the loud music.. the smoke machine.. the bad music.. the lack of rhythm in some pple. and sometimes getting my asss spanked by "idunno".

well the last time i went clubbbing was with katharine and amy and amy's boyfriend.. turns out music ain tooo good.. too crowded.. too much.. and yet.. too little. it just did not feel as uninhbited.. quite a cold shower.. and cold feet in my case.. hhaving normally gone to pubs and chill, and plus someone did not feel like dancing cos of the music.. i dunnoe.. kinda bored yet wanting to just jump into the crowd and dance my as off..oh yah.. did i mention.. the crowd is kinda young?hahah

well enuff of my failed clubbing history.. its really a longer story to come./.

well now i am officially bumped..

i dun reallly manage my emotions.. i kinda go wiith the flow.. you know wat i mean?

i hurt some pple along the way as well.. but ii really duunnoe how does one grasp on to a realtionship if its unfeeling and pauused. having periodical laughter and then followed by awkward silence.. that kinda of relationshhips..

well i am gladd i have my share of infatuatons.. well its a understatement definitely.. almost every relationship i have hhadd is short.. and like it isn;t badd enough .. i think ii just hhit wat would be the holy grail..


i known this korean gal.. yes.

ii liked her ... yes..

i wanted to be wiith her.. yes..

wanted to go to her.

but...BUT...

we hardly tok.. we barely know each other ..

and the only thing holding it up is the occasionnal i love hers and the pin holding a memory on my wall of crushes about that one night we met and our eyes locked.. and i was shaken..

then came the ii love her voice and character person. who is too into her career and her goals for now to accomodate me in her life.. so .. its out..


and then it was yesterday..

met up with my camp mates.. went clubbing.. i know its a bad idea.. i really can't dance.. andd ii'm kinda fugly.. so welll you get the point.. clubs are kinda hip and cool.. i am far from it.. loads..

so there i was.. surprisingly iit felt ok..hhad a few drinks.. haadd some more drinks.. had milo.. had hhaagen daz..watced some others drink.. and then to the cclub..it was the usual.. noise.. smoke.. but more popular musiic.. and so we went to the dance floor.. it was such a suiciide move.

danced witha couple oof gals.. the grinding.. the shaking.
. the twists.. the holding and the hold feeling of letting go.. slowly it camee to me.. amazingly enufff at 22.. my clubbbing experience is still less than wat my ten fingers can count.

so just went on dancing.. some are better.. some worse.. some are plain crazy.. but the feeling was all raw and carnnal.. think tribal celebrations.. then noticed this lady at the lower stage around the turntable area.. dressed like i like.. lbd.. no ott.. and i am so wanting to dance with her.. so as if like an earth visiions documentary on animal courtship the dance began.. ahahaha..

well it was eye contact.. and then i danced.. and then i she saw.. and then after god knows how long we're back where we were..iits a round stage.. and rotates.. so we see each other periodically..

finally coaxed her on stage for a while.. she smelled heavenly.. not because of the smoke.. she really did.. and then we danced somemore.. and then somemore.. and then tooka break for a while.. then went back to see where the guys were..or the beanie on e of the guys were wearing.. that was like the only thing i could see..

after a short break and chatting up some pple round the bar.. it was back to the dance floor.. they she was again.. we danced and later it grew closer.. till we touched..

in the end.. we moved aside and toked.. and kissed.. she had really soft lips.. tasted like heaven..

but too badd i never had her number.. though she had mine..

all i have now is this fond memory..

her name..

her face..

her breath..

her lips..

and btw she is kinda older than me..

wat have i gotten my self into.. or wait.. i know wat i am in..

just wishhed it lasted longer..

hope she reads this and calls me too..


so if you guys know a single (separated) blond lady, who is about 1.8 tall.. australian, name is carolyn/caroline. please help me..

cya

quoting from someone

quoted from singleserves.blogspot.com

just thot wat this post was about made alot of sense about pple and relationships..

for some of you.. wat you are about to read could be a tad erotic and maybe (R)ated or watever so just bugger off.

but if you want to . just skim the surface.. and you will see wat i find so intriguing about this post.






“Oh my god! It’s so weird to hear you, of all people, say you have a boyfriend!”

I was having drinks with an old friend from Singapore – someone who was familiar with the younger, more imprudent me, and whom I hadn’t seen in years.

“I know,” I said, glancing away quickly. “Weird. To be fair, I only started calling him my boyfriend slightly more than a year ago. Before that, he was just my…”

“Fuckbuddy?”

“Um, no, not really. Stopover fuck’s more like it.”

“Is that higher or lower than a fuckbuddy in the grand scheme of things?”

“I’m not sure. He was never a ‘buddy’ – I never really wanted him to just be my friend. I think he was in a special category all by himself.”

“Ok, so when did he become your boyfriend then?”

I thought for a long while. It’s hard to say exactly when A first became my boyfriend, in both name and spirit. There was no one momentous occasion with bells ringing and birds chirping, but rather, as these things tend to go, a culmination of gestures and intimations that seemed so natural at the time, I never once stopped to think what they all meant.

Was it when he first said “I love you”? Was it when he stopped sleeping with other people – or was it when I did? Or maybe it was the moment I gave him the key to my apartment, asking that he call it his own. Or could it have been the numerous little epiphanies that I got along the way writing about him on this blog?

Maybe the truth lies in the truly mundane. I mean how many times can a girl read, and re-read, and re-read, and re-read, and re-read a single text message? (Without losing her eyesight, that is.) Well in my case, a fair estimate might be…more than a few dozen? And I still smile too. I have over a hundred of his texts saved in my phone, and my favourite one dates from as far back as July 2006.

I tried hard to remember when I said my first “I love you”. Because surely that would have given me the answer to my friend’s question. But I couldn’t. (Admittedly my excuse is that I was highly intoxicated at the time.) But I’ve said it too many times to count since. And besides, I probably meant, showed and indicated it in a myriad of ways before my tongue got into the act of forming the actual words.

In that way, I think sometimes the body is wiser than the mind. Even from the first time, I marveled at how my body fit into his. How he took my hand to cross the road while we were walking back to the hotel and how I smiled, and curled my fingers around his without breaking stride. Or into a cold sweat.

How after sex, I knew exactly how to curl up him like a limpet, resting my head along the crook between his collarbone and chest, and letting our post-coital smells spontaneously mingle.

And how we kissed. Oh, how we kissed. We only started doing this later on in the relationship, him having never been too big on ‘the kissing thing’ when he was with other women. But the first time he decided to take me in his arms, using his lips to smother, suckle and caress me with wild abandon, I was lost.

More importantly, my body had stopped enjoying sex with other people way before my mind cared to concede. In fact, it took me a streak of rather unenjoyable encounters – including one where I had to literally sneak out of someone’s apartment like a thief while he was sleeping (leaving no note, and definitely no number!) – to make me sit up and think…

Waitaminute. Whatthehelljusthappened? That used to be fun.

So where does all this leave us? I suppose with the old adage that change happens – even to the unlikeliest candidate of us all. And the best kind of change feels natural, and organic, and not impelled by anyone else but yourself. The funny thing with change of course, is that it’s only when somebody shines a ‘blast from the past’ spotlight on you, that you realise it’s actually happened.

Otherwise, you’d just think you were being you.

Ever heard the phrase, “I love you, but I love me more?” It’s a phrase that maybe Sash would have used. Or anyone with a strong, uncompromising sense of self. And in all my previous relationships, I had always felt this epic tussle between the real me and the ‘me’ that the other person wanted me to be.

It never felt quite right.

Because how much can you truly change about yourself on behalf of someone else? A lot of people pretend, all their lives even, whilst scurrying away to hide their dirty secrets from prying eyes. But I never wanted to pretend. And I never wanted to compromise. And maybe that’s why it took me such a long time, and such a lot of tries to get it right.

Because finally, I’ve found someone that I can just be me with. Kinky, quirky, funny soulful me.

And that’s what changed. I’ve found my home, my family, my anchor and my truth in another person. And I suppose, for the first time, after 2 years and 9 months, I can finally say, with some degree of certainty, that I’m content in a way that comes from knowing indeed, there is someone out there for me. Yes, for even ‘difficult cases’ like me. So there’s hope for all.

Maybe that’s why I stopped blogging – because in a way, I’ve stopped searching. I’m still me but I can’t be Sash anymore. Not in the way you know me anyhow. Ferociously hunting for the next man, the next high, the next hedonistic adventure, the next blogworthy anecdote. Just because I could. And also because in a way, playing the game and exerting my sexual power had become my heroin.

But now, I’ve realised that it’s not the end of the world when I can’t get laid with that super-handsome, well-dressed, alpha-male of a man that’s looking sideways at me across the bar…

So you see, there is simply no more sexual pathos. Or so it seems for now, anyway.

Because when I do go out looking for sexual adventure – which still happens, mind you, pretty often – I go out looking in tandem. And boy is it fun to hunt in a pack. I know I have the best wingman I could ever ask for by my side, and the best fall-back plan if things don’t work out.

Someone who makes me laugh till my sides ache, fucks the living bejesus out of me, snuggles up in the morning when its cold, and treats me with the utmost patience, respect and forgiveness on days leading up to my period.

He is my biggest adventure. And even till this day, there’s a sense of newness to our relationship. Perhaps because every day with him is a revelation of the depth and nuance of feeling that I am capable of with him.

But I can’t risk boring you with any more details. Really, the last thing the world needs is yet another rosy-eyed romantic grandiosely espousing the life-changing power of love. And please, I beg of you not to put me in that category.

I don’t believe in happy endings, but there’s something to be said for happy beginnings, and middles.

Because they’re just wonderful. :)


P.S. And that pesky monogamy thing? We have a deal that I’ll stay faithful as long as he makes sure that I always have the most mind-blowing sex a girl like me could possibly want and have. And also, that he brings home guys for the occasional dp. ;)

wat a week.. month.. day.. something.

here i am for a long time since i last blogged.. i wished i've been able to have osme giant remote with a huge pause button.. sometimes.. i wish i could indulge in things and just stay there for a while longer..cos somethigns are just so hard to grasp.. and no matter how short it lasted.. even if its really small.. i just realy wanted to have these moments all strung up ..

sometimes i thing i take it a tad too easy and i guess sometimes i may have been a tad too easy .. to take things so lightly and make a hash of alot of things.. i guess the worst would be when i dive into things. being a idiot at times doesn;t really help.

well i was with a bunch of girls. well i know wat you pple are thinking.. but i am not some player..i'm just trying to find someone.. but the trial and error process is horrendous.

well more error i guess..



and speaking of which .. i met someone recently with whom i could swear i was mesmerised like never before...well i've probably said this more than the spokes on a wheel..or the spines of a porcupine.. but this time its not the looks.. i actually knew her voice first. then her mind.. then.. finally her face.. well its a break because.. we are so similar in so many ways.. its scary.. she has this really driven character about.. so serious about her work and goign all out for it.. at the same time she makes me feel so nice when we speak on the phone.. i never feel the need to censor myself around her and. all in all she is just brilliant. and i miss her. i really do.. even though we never made it together.. its really not meant to be.. but she was really the inside stuff .. the stuff that matters.. she doesn;t look bad.. can run in heels.. very responsible..

but..

she is a fad older with a diff pool.. and no doubt on phone we melt into each other.. just moans and groans are like a tickle to our ears.. and no need for words.. but when we met.. it got all weird.. and we shrunk away..

i wish i am more patient.. i wish things were different..

well wishes are as they are.. elusive as ever.. ..

well gtg.. i miss her.. kinda like how i missed Sijin.

but having never maintained contact.. all i could do is miss...

sometimes it feels like i'm whithering.. i long for attachemtn and some one who would be the one. but i guess.. its be more testing then i anticipated..

love is a jaded thing...?

something i wish you could hear.

you make me feel like i could fly..

i longed for you for so long.. and i am ever thankful for your being here.. please dun vanish again..

Thank you.

upset.. think again? and again?

i whole chain of stuff has started for me..

some i wished for the longest time ever.. some i am not even sure wat i am doing..

and suddenly i seem to have been caught off guard of sorts..

confident me.. well.. not really ..

more a shell that has been shattered time and again..

and has revealed the lifeless sinews within..

more often than not.. i find myself sleeping .. or rather not sleeping..

this would have to be a first.

i am all frazzled..tired and unfocused..

it was this..and i look like shit. SHIT..



not so long back.. i was in love.. infatuated.. not unlike seeing a model in a poster and going all gaga etc.. except its for real..she was and still is a godsend.. for which i am thankful and i wish that i could hold and behold..well i have beheld her all along.. and have held..and wish to hold for life long.

but then.. some time in my life.. her absence carved a void.. she was kinda away.. without notice or knocking.. i thot she had forgotten about me.. and after asking for advice from friends.. they said its a strong and unreasoning but transitory attachment. I wished it wasn't.. and it wasn't.. i thot i could forget her.. then.. i got into a mess..

i tumbled into a relationship.. which then spun out of control..

its really like mudpie squished..

then.. i wanted to die..cos it just can't go further..

then its like urghhhhhh...

i just wanna die..

then i am for about two hours..

but somehow i wished i did not just bounce back..

then i thot i'd just meet up with the same girl again.. to further explain myself if

and then..it got worse.. trying to state the impossibility of us being together is

just painful..but i really could not bear it any all.. so i just kinda killed off

like i was prepared to face her all teary and ready to kick my arse.. well... i

didn't get it.. not sure am i to be thankful or frightful.. and also at this

juncture..and to complicate it further something that i have been waiting for..

on one end.. i felt like have sinned.. then..


guilty..


...
dunnoe wat to do ..

philosophy.

to be honest.. this is hardly wat i was intending on bloggin on.. but it just hit me as i came online..

my life as far as it is now.. is an incessant mix of waking up everyday darn dead early... dead.. really.. i could imagine being driven to work in a hearse.. how apt.

well that day was horror.. i was doing some stuff for my ma'am.. its about some darn map.. which i trust some of you would have gotten the hairball from me by now.. i kinda exploded.. well thank you for tolerating my fits..

well it was suppose to be gym.. well later we went for eats and then we started toking about philosophy.. and soon we were toking all over from one end to the other..

well.. gotta go..
i am so down..

a new year.. a new chapter.

dear diary..

i feel so distressed... hahah.. no just kidding. just drained.. like some one has just shaft a vac up me and sucked me dry..

wel exhausted but very enjoyable..

its been a pretty harsh last year.. like before cny.. alot has happened.. or rather.. alot more than i would love to..

well a new year.. traditonally.. a new start and long way more to go..

had to rush back.. packed cluelessly.. haha.. did not even match my clothes properly.. haha.. kinda shocked my mum cos she was like.. WAT!!!!..

but well it turned out ok.. so impromptu mix and match sorta worked. haha..

well back in m'sia all is well.. gald to see my grandparents still alive and well. and my cousins.. i so miss them.. wanna see them again.. we have such a nice time and boy it was hugely fun..

also my cousin on my maternal side has a baby.. so cute.. so adorable.. so.. kuchichichichku... cute.. haahah


well till i blog again..

my niece.. oh sooooooooooooo cute.

please ignore the background sound.. mute it.. just watch in adoration at this new born gorgeous..

i miss you so..

the first string of words that blurt from my brain to my digits..

was kinda hoping they'd come from the lips of a jazz maestro.. (diana krall)

or a loved one..that soft moist breath of air that accompanies the whisper that is

gentle..and ever so endearing..a fleeting moment that would leave you wanting to cuddle

closer.. as she lowers her volume to nothign but a murmur.. leading to a finality of cuddles

quite like the mergin of two.

.....................................................................

anohter major chapter.. maybe this blog is cursed.. and that each time i think i gotten something.. and i blogged about it.. it would just go away..

or i just suck at life..

well another love storey chapter of my live has ended.. sounds kinda sad.. well. it is.. to have to loose another one whom is quite so special.. and sweet and intellectual.. was quite a dent in my life.. but better a good friendship than a soured relationship i guess..

well sad..

but have to pick up someday.. and sometime..

till i blog again

i miss you so..

i am in halves.. or wait.. its quarters.

dear diary..

the above is like the most cheesy and over used openings to journal entries..
sorry if am not the most faithful diary writer..

it seems i am not really good and faith.. or being faithful anyways.
through out history it seems.. i am ever constantly swayed.

it was only yesterday.. i was off from guard and headed home.. then back out to the beach for volley..

started ok..i always liked volley..the crowd.. the sky.. the sun.. the winds..
it gives mea void.. some where for me to clear my head..a temporary hiatus if you will..sadly..the beach.. was kind of depressing..

on this end of the spectrum i feel i am losing my momentum of life.. i feel i could just lie down and my next blink will be my last..gasping for air.. and gettign kinda loopy..

its like concentrating on concentric circles until you realise thats your noose and very soon you'd suffocate and lay dangling hangman style.

i am caught in a situation.. something i find oddly familiar.. woman trouble.. or rather brain trouble.. it seems to lack the ability to right it self.. i am in this terminal state of wat ifs.. and now in to a nother phase of buts.

i was involved with someone whom i poured my heart into.. she was an enchantment.. and spectral, phantasmal illusion i wish to believe.. as she was one whom i devoted regardless of all the "w" factors... who what where etc..

now i am attached with someone else.. but that day at sentosa.. t just rushed at me like some tsunami... in all calmness .. it hit me square in the face and for the whole time i was suffocating and drowning in thots and memories that set my mind awashed.. it was bitter...


but being attached with one other... yet still having thots of a another is a most heinous crime.. i felt immense guilt and an even bigger sense of betrayal. at this moment in time.. i wish i do not have to do the worst.. but it just seems to lead that way... should i break up with my girlfriend who is this cutesy intelligent being so worthy of adoration who has developed a realtionship with someone with no real merits to speak off.. again guilt.. or sometimes i wish i could take in a final frame and off myself.


hurts..

dear lord..

of al thinngs that happen.. we cnanot actaully control wat others would do.. hence.. the traffic jams.. the squeeze in some train abins and some empty.. some pretty and others not so.. and etc.. today i got the chance to be more equal than others.. honest.. i was stunned beyond belief when i got whiff of wat happend.. i could not belief my ears.. and at first.. treated it as wrong humour.. and backed off.. but pple around you tend to take it as really fun and twill on and on.. its like watching insects squirm.. plain torture..worse still i kinda became worse when one is unaware..its like a jab.. then all one ever gets are these shards and never knowing who planted them around..

the hilarity continues.. i feel like a specimen of how ugly a human can get.. and somehow.. it reveals to me the many human monstrosities too.. well this little mishap led to many gloats.. and jokes and pokes.. and taunts.. but too much hurts.. its not like i posed and exposed my self for such attention.. i dun need this..and to those who know wat i am toking about.. please.. i ask for no more.. than a peaceful retreat and that all is just lost into an abyss where nothing is lifted.. not even a sinew of such.. as unglorious as it is.. my participation in such is as much as is.. an embarrassment.. which is consuming me whole .. and plenty vexing.. to the soul who took the picture.. its plenty unpleasant when pple take pictures of other pple for watever purposes i shall not explain further.. but i think there should be due amount of personal space for issues no matter to be discussed.. before it hurts.. in which case.. i really do wish the person a holw load of hell.. becasue if you hadn't considered my stand.. why should i consider yours.. this sod it attitude did not com amongst nothing..


i have done wrong.. but please give me a chance to live.. this feels like a life sentence... and while many will deem htis a melodrama and an absolutel exaggeration.. i'd like to see how you'd handle it.. when someone gouges out some chunk of your personal self and exposes it to the world around you..

i feel i have nothign more to say than that i hate myself for having done that.. i hate the person for having been trigger happy and inconsiderate.. and i hate to say this.. but i hate the taunts "jokes" and many devices thrown at me.. meeting such with a smiling face kinda makes it as hard as it would be.. try not to make it worse.. to those who gave the much sympathy and pacifism.. its much appreciated.. not matter genuine or hypocrisy.. i thank you for at least that instant..

for those who know wat this refers to.. reflect.. for those who do not.. i would just say unto you to stay your words.. and not a breather more.. i shall be eternally grateful.

虎Tiger Born in: 1926 1938 1950 1962 1974 1986 1998

Personality
Courageous, active, and self-assured, a natural leader, passionate and independent. Possibly restless especially if born at night. Rebellious and dynamic. A warrior and center of attention. Quick tempered but considerate. Affectionate but careless. A roaring success awaits the Tiger.In the East, the Tiger symbolizes power, passion and daring. A rebellious, colorful and unpredictable character, he commands awe and respect from all quarters. This fearless and fiery fighter is revered as the sign that wards off the three main disasters of a household: fire, thieves and ghosts.The Tiger is a fortunate person to have around provided you are prepared for all the activity that comes along with his dynamic personality. The impulsiveness and vivacity of the Tiger person are contagious. His vigor and love of life are stimulating. He will arouse every sort of emotion in people except indifference. In short, the captivating tiger loves being the center of attention.

The Tiger likes: Changes, New experiences, Flattery, Surprises, Quality and Parties.
The Tiger dislikes: Boredom, Criticism, Ignorance, Responsibility, Laws and Slowness.

Compatible Animals: Horse, Dog
Incompatible Animals: Snake Monkey

Your Luck In Year 2008
Overall Forecast
This year is a test of endurance for Tigers compare to previous year. Control your temper and rashness. Evil stars gather in your life cycle, undertakings are not good. Thus, be extra alert with regards to business establishment, expansion or career advancement matters.The career luck experiences fluctuations, business dealings are with many setbacks. Working persons should continue to be adaptable to environment; and performance is also continued to be in good lights of your superior. The young Tigers lack the drive to study, coupled with confused moods. There may be mouth and stomach illness, so take note of daily meal consumption. Beware of muggers when outdoors. Take greater care of the elderly at home. Take precaution against fire hazards.Wealth luck is low, proper income is stable, with no signs of windfalls, so control your spending tp prevent cash flow problem. There may be loss of monetary funds, so manage your finance prudently. This is not a good year for relationship matters, where there are communication issue with family, and lovers; be more tolerant and caring.

Career
This is a good year for working Tigers, so boost up rapport with others; everyone across the organization is in harmony, causing tasks to be done more efficiently, and being able to assume more crucial roles. Those keen to establish business has to meticulously draw up a sound business plan, survey the market situation personally, and to avoid making loss. Business owners should preserve their business value this year, network broadly, control temper, where being haughty and conceited will incur disastrous defeat. Tigers who does not get involve in risky stuff may see miraculous events.

Love
Love affairs are often affected due to your mood swings, which make yourself unbearable to be with. Cut down on your bad temper. It is pertinent to sustain harmony between couples, be tolerant and show care. Even when there are disputes, there are chances of remedial. The singles will have the chance to associate with opposite gender during the 5th and 10th lunar month, however the link between the two of you is so transient, but note that haste brings failure.

Wealth
Wealth luck is dim and lack support, so prudently manage your wealth, and save for the rainy day, or else you will suffer at the hands of financial crisis. Proper income luck is stable, with no signs of windfall luck, so stay away from gambling, to avoid being debt laden. High risk or illegal and speculative activities should be avoided at all cost. Do not assume loans or role of a guarantor this year. There is also a fear of sudden events happening in the family causing huge monetary loss. Avoid small dark lanes at night for fear of mugging.

Health
Health is weak, anxiety and frustration upsets your sleep, resulting in more illness. It is wise to be optimistic to all matters. Take note of food hygiene. Those with past illness should watch out for possible early signs of relapse and seek treatment promptly to curb it from worsening. Take note of elderly health and home safety. The very first aged may suffer from illness more easily.

life again

my life.