i dun stay single long enuff.

well thats wat one of my frineds said.. or commented on.. and it was more like.. can;t you stay single for a moment..to be honest.. i find detachment a horror.. i cannot leave without hugs and cuddles.. sometimes i want hugs so much i hug myself.. wait.. that is wrong.. i mean.. i dun do that..

clears throat...hahah

well. to be absolutely honest.. i am verypicky..

so picky infact that.. i doubt anyone would be able to meet the specs of the thing or woman i want..i mean you cna buy shoes with compromises.. and/or buy many pairs of shoes..but you can never have too little woman.. one is all there is.. well sometimes i doubt my self in things i do.. and in this case its no exception.. every gal that i know. has good points and bad.. but the good points may be magnified.. unless the bad ones are so huge then it would be a different story..

luckily for me.. my brain would sometime slip into gear to make rational decisions.. and i am thank full for some made..

irrational ones from the heart ar a whole new kettle of fish.. its really a case of the one you love and the one you know your parents would agree to.. somethign like that.. i am lucky my current is a pretty good mix of both..

my previous.. well.. it was a bad case of heart.. so bad i could have carved mine out and gave it to her..she was a phantasmal being.. one that would have only been able to aexist in a world or nobuo tetsuya's music and would have looked picture perfect in a cosplay costume standing right next to squak lionheart in ffVIII something..

well all in all.. i dunnoe how long it will last.. and i am not sure.. and i am just praying..that this one.. that has come by my life and has miraculously entered my life at this juncture.. i am eternally grateful..

romance..

i think i am blessed.

or

maybe it just my weakness..

well lets see.. i have probably written a gazillion times that i am infatuous..

many a times.. i have wished to go for flings instead of a relationship cos the baggage that comes along with a reg one. i am not sure i could bare.. esp when i did mention i am infatuous.. well

despite the non explanatory - explanation (if there is such a thing), its been considered kinda heartless. partially because the society views it as such.. and it kinda affects me in to a guilt state as well..

so the only way.. would be a regular relationship..nad here i would just like to say.. i haven the most fantastic history in relationships..well or infatuations..
i shall do it in chronological order.. regardless or infatuation or BGR..

1. kindergarden infatuation- some one called (e) whom i was smitten by for 2 years.. and i actually kissed her.. and ran. but i have no recollection of..don't think anyone does. i only remembered the uniform i wore was ghastly..

2. primary school infatuation- from p1 to 2 known this really cute gal.. so cute it was embarassing. i daren't even look her in the eye.. and i remebered there was a case of peeking at her.. from behind my file.. (sounded perversely wrong - but its not..)blushes..

3. primary school (unclear)- from p3 till p3 i think.. this gal is a chilli pepper.. very nice gal.. sweet smile.. liked her alot.. and i think we were "together" (please go back and flip your brain to primary school mode..you'll see that the implications would be ginormous).. then.. she kinda fell for someone else.. so i was ditched..

4. primary school infatuation- this gal. happens to be a transfer student.. and very pretty..( i dun really know the point.. but i trust no gal that i actually go out is ghastly..so i presume i can then proceed with the rest of tis compost-sition without overtly repeating this word "pretty") sweet looking.. but later went horibly wrong.. cos i think i ticked her off alot. and the process of mollifying it toward freindship kinda backfired..

sec 1 - 4 no one in school..but i was very infatuated with this neighbour of mine.. whom.. i liked.. and wished to pursue.. with serious intentions.. but was due a farce.. as we both found "relationship-ping" at that level not really workable.. and best if we were friends.. even if.. one of worse would be a little sexually confused..(she calls me jie mei.. sort-off) just kidding.. but we are dearly good friends..

post sec pre poly... again for about a year.. this lady filled my mind.. she is gentle.. very pretty smile.. had bad hair days alot.. but easily remedied with salon visit.. hehe.. ain that bad.. well.. she was this sweet cuteness.. always dressed very smiply in black or white tshirt.. no prints. and jeans.. but can stun the socks off me.. well spoken.. dimples... she happens to be in the poly i am in.. but she is older than me and in a seperate wing.. there was once. i dream of her while revising for my papers.. and worse i wrote her name down on my exma paper..felt really stupid..

poly.. shikes.. this would probably be the worst.. well thank god its anonymous.. or i may have to shave my face off and bury it..and its a layer cake thingy.. cos its all jumbled up..and it mostly infatuations. and there were so many i oculd have sworn.. i would have worn hugh hefner for body count..this is embarrassing..

REALLY..

1. a class mate adorable.. very chatty. loads to tok about.. but in the end we grew apart..

2. a class mate.. went with an event with her.. so swoon.. that till this day.. when she smiles i'll faint. and if she i look at her.. i'll melt..she really made me see her for her full detail.. the dark ebony (i know copied it from snow white) hair.. skin fair as snow.. smile like national stadium spotlights (ok .. the brightness.. not that its actually circular with tungsten filaments that switch on and off) but she has this teethy smile that displays confidence.. absolutely amazing dress sense.. speaks well..dreamily sweet.. and as it turns out to be a very nice lady who turns out to be very approachable chatty.. to think i was too shy to even whisper to her for the whole of my first year.. that bad..

3. a girl i met on a cruise.. diff school of study.. cute.. but was attached.. bummer..

4. (relationship) my class rep that year.. the first year i had to be retained.. was very nice to me.. and her clique as well.. funny.. chatty.. witty..but our backgrounds were alot different.. but she is a very pleasant gal and she used to do this really cute thig of biting on my finger till it jst left a mark.. sometimes it hurts.. but cute. and she is also very leggy..she has legs the same length as mine.. but she is shorter than me.. hmmm.. but it was a little rushed.. sorry .. but i was impatient.. so she put it off.. she got someone better afterwards.. good for her..

then..came.. work... this is even worse.. i had crushes like rain..ok.. maybe less.. more like an olive oil drizzle over a nicoise salad..

ok..

here goes..

1. (infatuation -almost made it but did not) a girl (duh!) chubby.. cute.. older than me. (oh.. did i ever tell you i actaully prefer older woman.. not too old..5 years older max) funny.. have topics in common.. comfortable.. but did not want to rush into it.. so we kinda came off. but it was a pleasant experience.. she was very sweet (still is)

2. (infatuation) she is a beautiful person really doorslamming pretty.. with a fantastic smile.. still in my head.. but she is older than me.. again.. she is very knowledgeable..well spoken in both english andmandarin.. and especially well read in chinese lit.. mixture of taiwan singapore and malaysia.. she was a dream.. and has impeccable tastes..am glad to have known her.

3. (infatuation) this lady is malay.. not to mark her out racially.. but its just that because of that .. there in lies the hurdle.. as i am not exactly religious.. we weren;t really possible.. and me being impossible told her i liked her quite abit and things went really wrong i guess.. you know women. haha.. well its hard to live life without regrets.. one end you wish you won regret you did not tell her.. and on the other hand you wish you had never told her..hard choice that one.. i chose the lesser of two evils.. (not really) but yah.. she is amazing.. artistic.. gorgeous. and has the sort of air.. like a travelling artist.. very nice.

4. (infatuation) this lady is again.. older than me.. working in another department.. and have it not been her shoes and hair.. i would have been lost.. its pretty amusing to see a staff dressed not according to dress code.. and sporting a bob hairstyle with striking shoes.. i could have sworn it was athe envy of all who work there.. cos dress shoes can kill.. well she is well spoken.. has good tastes.. also a very artsy person.. impressive cos she is a designer for bags.. or used to.. and good taste.. sweet personality.. pleasant smile.. and sweeter than you think personality..

NS...

normally pple would rarely associate NS with girls. but ... well jsut read..


1. (relationship) from another department.. a sporting gal.. started as a junior kinda thing.. later got a little serious.. cute smiley.. but was a little possesive.. and i found her hard to read.. the relationship went on the rocks and had to be called to a halt.but she was a very passionate girl.. the first one i made out with..

2.this is a peak in my life.. something few would encounter and i am more that fortunate to have experienced a relationship like this.. albeit a very empty one.. its one worth remembering. Met my bud for a drink.. decided to go seven eleven since he was buying.. opened the door and there she stood in all her beauty.. swept me off my feet.. head of heels.. and all that deeply swooned mallarkey.. well all thanks to modern technology we communicated with ease.. but not by phone though sadly.. well.. we've been on sms msn and telly for about 4 months.. but i guess its a sensation of it not going anywhere so she kind of faded into the background.. and not picking up phone calls.. eventually she drifted out of sight.. in all but my minds eye.. who ever she choose to be with i wish her all happiness and bliss..

5. (relationship sort off - present) a studious gal. hardly noticed during school times.. hung out with another class.. she was a in my buddy class in another clique.. had really good grades.. knowledgeable.. quiet.. well spoken.. not characteristically pretty.. but smile is pretty adorable..very good natured..been out with her recently.. to pulau ubin and got caught in this hugely bad rain it kinda pelted down on us like bullets.. very hard to see while cycling.. saw alot of wildlife.. she is also a photography enthusiast and she is into research..she kept up with me on the bike.. we sat on the bridge while taking in the sights and breeze.. a cutey with brains.. who would have thot.. she is amazing.. and i adore her plenty..hope it goes further.



so there it is..these are the major cahpters that strum my heartstrings.. some more.. or less than others.. but none are the same.. i just hope i won be filling up more chapters than need be.. because its a state which wears one out incredibly.. the troughs and peaks can hurl you through the clouds or fall you like a rock.. each in it way.. make you learn and admire things around you.. but in many ways more than others let me see.. that i am surrounded by plenty of beautiful pple who have different skills.. beliefs.. principles and likings.. not all whom i like will like me back.. but i like them all the same..may we be friends near or far.. i wish them all the best.. and with history, bear memories and dreams but no scar.

land ahoy..

everyone has probably read the story of noah;s ark and how he is carried on this massive ark he built while the whole world was sunken in this huge soup or rotting carcases or rotting human affluence will he sent out the bird once more and it carried back a twig.. and then.. LAND.. all that yada..

well not that it links to anything i am about to say.. not directly anyways..but i guess everyone loves the dwindling flame moment which lead it through to an amazing eruption of energy and uplifting-ness beyond any and many..

well i felt like a dead tree for the longest time.. well enuff repetion.. if you want to.. just read previous posts..well i can hardly say that my journey in life has been smooth.. well smoother than most.. but it seems to be lacking in that spark.. i just dun seem to lead a life with gusto..it seems so flat..

well some one told me before.. boredom is when your life is too good.. i guess so.. but not good enuff it seems.. as with all men.. i seek for better of the goods. sad though it is.. i wish i could be on a cobblestone laid path.. strolling back to a comfy cottage by the see.. with a wafty fireplace.. and cosy kitchen.. red bricked all round. and view of an endless see set before me.. and the breeze of it toward me.. but it isn't meant to be. as the world we live in concretes it self with money and all else is lost..

with bits and shreds of humanity that blooms only to rot and wither with debauchery.. human weakness..

vulnerable

i feel it at times.. or most of the times.. we are always in need to hold up something and how it isn't penetrable or somethign of such measure.. it seems to feel that much more present today than in others.

you know when pple say its alright ot show the world your softer side or that being vulnerable is not a bad thing but please.. this sounds damn ass cliche and honestly such advse could and would have been plain suicidal if everyone is to be as such. well cos technically we as humans won all do it.. they are bound to be some pple who would be twisted enuff to manipulate pple knowing their vlunerabilities..

quintessentially.. after all has been said and done.. we as humans are becoming more and more aware of the dangers that may be.. and looking at the impending trent that is developing and enveloping the world..i daresay.. days when individuals segregate and the whole world turns cold is such a not so distant future...

------------\

went out today.. not that i dun alwaiz.. but it was different today.. it was just dinner.. but it was kinda nice.. in a simple sort of way. its been a long time since just calling someone out fo dinner.. well today i asked wanlu out.. a poly mate whom i hardly contacted in ages.. sadly.. but we did get acquainted so i thot it good to hang out and be updated sorts. it all turned out pretty nice.. or in a weird sense seeing two individuals muttering nothings and being unable to take reigns on things.. well more like one party was being polite and cordial by saying anything would do.. the other would not want to impose upon any thing which may come across as not so pleasant to the other perons.. hence moments of waiting and indecisive behaviour emerges.. but thankfully we manage to get some spot.. to grab grub..and this time it was a case of the person and not the food.. where eating really is the company.. and te food may have turned cold or may not be as delicious as expected .. well all is forgotten.. all that is held in opinion is the perons and the content exchanged..

it was a pleasant dinner

a long tail.

wat started as an inspired anecdote is goign to mutate into a draggy novela.

through all the quirks i've been through this has to be the motherload.

i always thot that live would be alittle smoother.. but it seems that my faith is unfounded..and it by itself is not the basic reason for this baseless grumbling over the minuscule particle called bytes which i am occupying.

well first thing on handd would be an immense apology.. not sure this works..but it feels kinda like i have let this blog down abit.. a long un foretold hiatus.. or just sheer abandonment.. has left with me with a limp wrist and a lacking of motivation to write.

its one of thos e periods when everything and anything is happening.. and some days are so beautiful that you would stop to see the sky and the clouds roll by and the birds chirp.. and i can telll you those days were absolutely scenic. but some how.. over the unfurling ofthe day.. many uglies overcast the day and turn it into poop.

well updates... started going to beach volley.. trying to head down every weekend. but can;t cos . last week got guard.. next weekend got wedding.. sigh..missing two weeks in a go.. sure wish i dun lose momentum.

beginning to miss rowing.. alot.. ALOT.. i so wanna go back to rowing.. gliding down a flat surface of water on a scull..the exhilirating peace.. haha..
but at the same time hoping to take up wake boarding.

spent a hundred -ish for a shirt for my sisters wedding..

bought a gift for sijin for 2 hundred - ish.

Oh.. which brings me to.. me and Sijin.. Sijin.. is this person (felt almost wanting to put her down as fairy like being) whom i met at a seven eleven in singapore. and then later "had feelings." but in recent times.. things has changed.. no more loving phone calls.. touchy sweet dollops for messages. weet nothigns.. ample smiles.. lovely pictures.. sweet thots and memories. and not forgetting webcam moments. but i guess the ending was foreseen by many .. as long as they had eyes.. they could and would be able to see where is would have gone and it happened to have gone jsut there.. after some not answering.. and not replying.. i think we are over.. much as i not wish for it to be.. it is.. sad but true..

well at this point in time i guess eveyone must be thinking i am some shallow ass who is only after looks..
well yes.. i agree... i am into girls with looks.but it is the first point on contact.but that would be besides the point.. because.. i liked her.. for her ability to accept me..and her enthusiasm toward me..it was never b4 kinda thing..and it deeply affects me.. knowing that no one has ever done that and perhaps no one ever would..

just sorry to see her go.. but it would be wats best for her too.