i am in halves.. or wait.. its quarters.

dear diary..

the above is like the most cheesy and over used openings to journal entries..
sorry if am not the most faithful diary writer..

it seems i am not really good and faith.. or being faithful anyways.
through out history it seems.. i am ever constantly swayed.

it was only yesterday.. i was off from guard and headed home.. then back out to the beach for volley..

started ok..i always liked volley..the crowd.. the sky.. the sun.. the winds..
it gives mea void.. some where for me to clear my head..a temporary hiatus if you will..sadly..the beach.. was kind of depressing..

on this end of the spectrum i feel i am losing my momentum of life.. i feel i could just lie down and my next blink will be my last..gasping for air.. and gettign kinda loopy..

its like concentrating on concentric circles until you realise thats your noose and very soon you'd suffocate and lay dangling hangman style.

i am caught in a situation.. something i find oddly familiar.. woman trouble.. or rather brain trouble.. it seems to lack the ability to right it self.. i am in this terminal state of wat ifs.. and now in to a nother phase of buts.

i was involved with someone whom i poured my heart into.. she was an enchantment.. and spectral, phantasmal illusion i wish to believe.. as she was one whom i devoted regardless of all the "w" factors... who what where etc..

now i am attached with someone else.. but that day at sentosa.. t just rushed at me like some tsunami... in all calmness .. it hit me square in the face and for the whole time i was suffocating and drowning in thots and memories that set my mind awashed.. it was bitter...


but being attached with one other... yet still having thots of a another is a most heinous crime.. i felt immense guilt and an even bigger sense of betrayal. at this moment in time.. i wish i do not have to do the worst.. but it just seems to lead that way... should i break up with my girlfriend who is this cutesy intelligent being so worthy of adoration who has developed a realtionship with someone with no real merits to speak off.. again guilt.. or sometimes i wish i could take in a final frame and off myself.


hurts..