Leverage..

From the depths of my despair comes the heavy steps toward liberation.

dressed up and readying to head out to escape from the stifling gasps of disappointment.

The further from home.. the better it seems to feel... but the feeling never truly goes away.

And then.. the sky opened.. leaving me all blown about and wondering if i'll be in at all the right shape to turn up for the launch.

Luckily .. a lady came in from her grocery shopping .. IN A CAB!! oh the blessing...

but the fare, coupled with the torrential downpour and skittish cab driver, was downright scary at 24 bucks..

considering the fact that its a distance i cycle to and fro often.

It was a congratulations and some standing around.. then comes a flash of amazing purple...

All that i got was a name and a picture from a monkey.. it was salvation type conversation with one of understands and reciprocates while delivering novelty in the conversation like never before. Yes its a girl and No its not a crush.. but its nice to have someone to speak to since most of the persons there were mingling and speaking to themselves..

Hope very much to meet that person again.. and on top of that... more person like that.. :P

Judged by my mistakes..

Fucking annoying.. did wrong but accidental.. a weak defense i know.. yet here i am judged by my parents... when the young in the family commits an error.. i moved in to stop.. only to realise that i haven the credentials to judge or act on what i believe to be right.. in the corner of my eye lies the incessant judgement that marks me as a felon in the family ... something that i dun think any amount of atonement will correct or redeem myself.. but i find the mark unjust and i long for a void of escape.. yet that be my very weakness.. always moving away from situations that i dun want to be in? am i to ride this through to forge myself? to wrought myself upon an unfortunate anvil... or steer clear to get my own space?

Casting this out into a void.. something that has been on my mind since the longest time..

I want my own life.. my own space.. my own ride.. my own time.. not dictated by any...

400th..

修得浮生，半日閒

今天是我感恩的一天

健康，家庭，愛情，人生

雖有未足之處，但無不激之處

感謝這個能讓我片刻休息，以比常人慢的腳細看生活。

我發現了我生活中的幸福。

尤其在近日里所發生的林林種種的不易.

父母對我的寬恕。女友對我的耐心。姐姐們的關懷。

讓我走一道我想走的路.

只希望我永遠知足

這路上曲折，多虧有了他們。




修得浮生，半日閒

I feel useless and redundant total.. like a waste of space in every facet of my life.. that all my choices in life has been made up of wrong choices.. a worthless entity that is better swept into the ocean or a landfill.. In a society that does not accommodate mistakes.. i guess i'm the epitome of one.. made up of many others.. from the beginning of my life till present.. i've done more to take my life apart than put it together..

I've always wanted to be greater than the sum of my parts.. but i cannot please everybody.. yet it seems to be all i've ever done.. this stretch culminated in todays occurance..Its a heavy day .. reprimands.. warnings... harsh cold words.. like shards of ice puncture me... or whats left of me..

i wish i were someone more accomplished.. who does less wrong.. who doesn;t vex those about him.. but what should i do.. i've got nothing left.. like a bellow with no wind.. outspoken me.. knowing stuff.. doesnt count for anything anymore.. all i am now.. is but am empty shell. The confidence i've never had is now but a clammering void.. what was nothing is now negative.. there are things i'd boldly try.. but with mistakes and the many cruel jabs of fate comes the closure on that spirit

must i be a limp git perpetually reminded of the idea of normality and the need to conform and put myself in the best light.. but that is tiring and without direction.. it just serves to make me even more loss as i try to please all and in the end screw myself over..

i feel like an idiot.. 1h hits 2cs.. and being reminded over and over how useless ive been.. i dunnoe what to do anymore.. the wish to tide and time to calm things seem not to work for me.. in a time where the spirits wish not for my success.. but my demise.. i feel exhausted from the trials and long for nothing more than peace and quiet... for a life that deals me no extremes.. were all is linear.. this is but a fools dream.. but i feel something that i need .. for everyone's life is one that i seem to fail at it over and over again..