i dunnoe wat to say.. i feel like a bastard.

i know i am a bastard... or i just have a really bad case of commitment issues.

well i know i write about this all the time. guess its really not helping too but i really want to get it off my chest.

this would be a event of mixed feelings.. remorse? alittle melancholy? a death wish? andd floods of good feelings.

ii have to say.. i hardly goo clubbing. (shame? not) well not liking the loud music.. the smoke machine.. the bad music.. the lack of rhythm in some pple. and sometimes getting my asss spanked by "idunno".

well the last time i went clubbbing was with katharine and amy and amy's boyfriend.. turns out music ain tooo good.. too crowded.. too much.. and yet.. too little. it just did not feel as uninhbited.. quite a cold shower.. and cold feet in my case.. hhaving normally gone to pubs and chill, and plus someone did not feel like dancing cos of the music.. i dunnoe.. kinda bored yet wanting to just jump into the crowd and dance my as off..oh yah.. did i mention.. the crowd is kinda young?hahah

well enuff of my failed clubbing history.. its really a longer story to come./.

well now i am officially bumped..

i dun reallly manage my emotions.. i kinda go wiith the flow.. you know wat i mean?

i hurt some pple along the way as well.. but ii really duunnoe how does one grasp on to a realtionship if its unfeeling and pauused. having periodical laughter and then followed by awkward silence.. that kinda of relationshhips..

well i am gladd i have my share of infatuatons.. well its a understatement definitely.. almost every relationship i have hhadd is short.. and like it isn;t badd enough .. i think ii just hhit wat would be the holy grail..


i known this korean gal.. yes.

ii liked her ... yes..

i wanted to be wiith her.. yes..

wanted to go to her.

but...BUT...

we hardly tok.. we barely know each other ..

and the only thing holding it up is the occasionnal i love hers and the pin holding a memory on my wall of crushes about that one night we met and our eyes locked.. and i was shaken..

then came the ii love her voice and character person. who is too into her career and her goals for now to accomodate me in her life.. so .. its out..


and then it was yesterday..

met up with my camp mates.. went clubbing.. i know its a bad idea.. i really can't dance.. andd ii'm kinda fugly.. so welll you get the point.. clubs are kinda hip and cool.. i am far from it.. loads..

so there i was.. surprisingly iit felt ok..hhad a few drinks.. haadd some more drinks.. had milo.. had hhaagen daz..watced some others drink.. and then to the cclub..it was the usual.. noise.. smoke.. but more popular musiic.. and so we went to the dance floor.. it was such a suiciide move.

danced witha couple oof gals.. the grinding.. the shaking.
. the twists.. the holding and the hold feeling of letting go.. slowly it camee to me.. amazingly enufff at 22.. my clubbbing experience is still less than wat my ten fingers can count.

so just went on dancing.. some are better.. some worse.. some are plain crazy.. but the feeling was all raw and carnnal.. think tribal celebrations.. then noticed this lady at the lower stage around the turntable area.. dressed like i like.. lbd.. no ott.. and i am so wanting to dance with her.. so as if like an earth visiions documentary on animal courtship the dance began.. ahahaha..

well it was eye contact.. and then i danced.. and then i she saw.. and then after god knows how long we're back where we were..iits a round stage.. and rotates.. so we see each other periodically..

finally coaxed her on stage for a while.. she smelled heavenly.. not because of the smoke.. she really did.. and then we danced somemore.. and then somemore.. and then tooka break for a while.. then went back to see where the guys were..or the beanie on e of the guys were wearing.. that was like the only thing i could see..

after a short break and chatting up some pple round the bar.. it was back to the dance floor.. they she was again.. we danced and later it grew closer.. till we touched..

in the end.. we moved aside and toked.. and kissed.. she had really soft lips.. tasted like heaven..

but too badd i never had her number.. though she had mine..

all i have now is this fond memory..

her name..

her face..

her breath..

her lips..

and btw she is kinda older than me..

wat have i gotten my self into.. or wait.. i know wat i am in..

just wishhed it lasted longer..

hope she reads this and calls me too..


so if you guys know a single (separated) blond lady, who is about 1.8 tall.. australian, name is carolyn/caroline. please help me..

cya