Friday the 13th. 2017

It was suppose to be quite the grim day.

I met her..

Her Dimple.. Her cute pointy incisors.. pencil skirt.. halter top.. good English.. look great.. that sparkle in her smile.. the hearty laughs..

We met.. had a nice bite.. food really did not matter.. and in a way it got in the way.. then drinks.. and we had a nice bit till it's pass twelve and still we were unphased..

We had so much in common.. just wish it was real.. and that it will go on...

Sent her home.. and wished we'd taken a picture together...

wished I've kissed her good night...

wishing things could move on like this...

I want to hold on to her and never let go...

omg.

You Follow Your Heart

You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional. You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly. Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you. You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature. Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind

Do You Follow Your Head or Your Heart?

regrets i have a few..

I really wish to tie it all up and toss it away.. but memories have a way of haunting use better than the poltergeist could.. and in some ways even more violently so.

Ever sat and read something, only to have it turn you into a wide eyed idiot consuming you as you consume it? Today was the day.

Dated this wonderful girl a long while back and she was wonderful.. and recently I saw her.. but I kept my distance. Figured that it was for the better.. and I guess it was. But my mind did not let go... it bugged me for a long time till this day. It's been a month since...  still clawing at the back of my skull.

I really wish that she could move on and find someone better, which she mentioned was indeed.. good for her.. but I never expected things to get all bitter and taciturn, even in some instances downright nasty.

I feel like the worst version of myself today. Now more than ever.

I just wanted to do the right thing.. but I guess breaking up with someone rarely is. The hurt caused was unequivocal.. but I really wished it would heal.

I am not sure if these words ever cross your eyes at all.. but I'd just want to put it out there that I was sincerely wishing that we could end things amicably. My lack of confidence and ineptitude in handling the relationship was something that even I could not predict.. and the fact that you straggled on wordlessly made it alot worse.

I wished it was communicated more face to face than through the detour that is messaging.. but I knew if I could go back .. I would right the wrongs. Just that I can't.

For girls who think that guys let go and move on really quick, you are wrong. We all have our baggages.. whilst it would be unfair to say that of all men.. but I can say that I carry them for a long while and am still looking for means to drop them. You were on my mind all this while.. it has been 3 years.. and not a day passed without my guilt pricking me in my sides.. and my constant wondering of how you are doing or the antics and times we had. So when I msged and just wanted to wish you all the best.. I meant everyword.. because I know that I couldn't have done it .

I really really really really wish you all the happiness you deserve.

Still looking to drop you off ... Dearest Memory Mj.

drink

You are just a sweet chapter past.. A future I've wished for but will never be...

You were the lonesome soul with eyes that could see right through me.. And intimidate me too. 

Fearful somewhat, but the adoration was real.. Coursed on a few years .. And pushed to the back of my skull you lay.. Until the day came when we met once more..

Sexy, proud, inked and tempting.. I found myself seduce but one has to be civil.. Knowing you were attached was not exactly unexpecteD.. But was the hope of something else smothered that brought a light tinge of surrender.. 

You've suffered in it.. And I hoped for your release.. For your sake.. I daren't hope for more..

Things got better and we got closer.. Like pals we became.. I'd never forget the meetings we had.. Like the time we made soup adnd your kimchi'ed egg combo.. Eye opening seem to be a common theme. 

There after you found another.. We walked by the unsureties and finally it came to fruition.. Envy reared it's head once more.. Only to have it's brows soothed.. For it may have never been meant to be..

So as friends we still met up as.. And bosom buddies I wish we'd me. My sorely tempted side aside.. I was truly a wishing to be a bosom friend, your confidante... 

Having seen you in all your wonder.. The shock has flattened out.. And I inch back to normality.. Until the night of drunken stupor drew me closer than ever.. 

The yearning smothed renewed and your tresses flowed.. Precious porcelain beneath my fingers.. Drawing blades like oars on still water.. I drank you in.. Only to be stabbed by the shock of reality...

You're but a distant star from another galaxy.. And I've been blessed by your glow... 

Henceforth driven apart.. I hope and pray for the time we'd be close again..

Your confidante.. Your friend.. 

Emotional baggages.. how does one shed them.. If it were physical.. one would simply toss them over the veranda or into a torrential river and let the frothy white water tear it to shreds and flush it into oblivion.

In all our lives, the seemingly endlessness of all the garbage we have been fed and all the gunk we have to swallow is made only less bearable by the passage of time.. Either the length of which one has to tolerate it.. or the fact that we had to pass it not being able to do anything about it.

29 this year.. and what was first take with seeming non-chalance.. has recently taken a turn for the worse.. slipping in to the dark side is a seeming obvious option that one does not really need to try to get into. It seems staying single might have really been a better idea, and then it dawned on the basic scenarios that play out or have been playing out all my life. Singlehood while bearable has always been a mixture.. a suspension that is dotted with anecdotes of days gone by.. where relationships came to fruition and that somehow imploded or fell through one's fingers like catching smoke.

She was someone I'd have gladly sold my soul to. long story short.. it may be a forgone conclusion.. but like grains of sand that dribbles from the desperate grasps of man.. it ebbs beyond one's control.. this prolonged yearning but loss has lead to moments when one is barely in halfs in anything. It seemed that I was perhaps not fated for that thing that I was looking for. Just someone who would be able to live with me and that I would want as much as she would want me.. I guess that is it.. a cruel game that has been laid upon us.. that disgustingly improbable probability where one is to find that other half.. When actually it was really just that other whole that would make me feel less like the only one on this planet.

Many would protest about the other items in ones life.. like the love from one's parents or the prospects of better work progress in one's life.. however.. nothing gives more gratification that the embrace and spiritual tether by one to another. I dare say.. even a hundred million dollars would pale in comparison once the novelty wore off.. and I think it will.. even if it took a few years to set in.

I felt like I ran a marathon in my head all day.. chasing after this seemingly endless pipedream. Should I persist and try to inch my fingers to hers.. trace her silhouette in the air.. reminisce the smell that is her hair.. the twinkle in her smile.. the depth of her eyes.. the air of cool that drives me to madness and aww.

Think hamlet got it right those many years ago.. to be..or..

It was a mess... probably still is..

There is A, B and C.

C likes A but A hasn't been responsive much..

and after a  long while, C decided that since A was not responding he should try elsewhere.

Sort of hit it off with B.

Moral dilemma 101.. its just too complicated..

how does one solve such things.. time for some brainstorm to de-tangle the noodle.

btw frd said,

at the end of the say, it depends on the kind of rs you both are having.
 if she has no plan to b with you  then what are you going to do about it.

if she likes you enough or at least willing to try then she would have long been with you.

think valentines day anyhow spend with pple de meh?

in the end you have to think bout what exactly are u being responsble for.


Then some heffalump with a donut for a brain becide to drop and "urgent" matter and the resolution was something that required so many pirouettes I think ever margot fonteyn would puke.

Like that I am able to do stuff.. and that the skill is applicable.. but the appreciation.. and the structure here kinda sucks.. OMOMOMMOMOMOMOMOMOMOOMOMOMOMMOMOMoOo.

Scrubbing through my brain.. think somethings need to be thrashed out.. others just trashed..

Wish life would be alittle lighter and the road ahead.. brighter, straighter..

Think a getaway is in order.. but on the other hand.. one should save up for the stuff in life that matters.. it is yet another dilemma.. wtf..

Whiplash.. 

So much love in the movie.. the irrational rationale of a being so extraordinary that it brings about childhood memories of many. Less extreme perhaps.. but every so relevant. In the Singaporean context, perhaps army boys.. In school, not unlike that perversely pedantic English teacher who reign supreme and induces feverish shudders as the deadline for assignments drew near. 

He once gave me a few words that i feel mirrors this quite succinctly. "Give your garden water in the form of sweat." nothing lyrical, just in a just simile for me to guide myself when I have graduated and am away from this "torment". 

The movie grabs my pupils and reigned them in. A mental tug-o-war that was won over the moment Terence Fletcher collapsed upon the peaceful symphony and "demolished" my preconceptions based on the earlier reviews. This piece driven in part by what was seen, more by what has been heard and more so even by the memories of that one demonic mentor who sort not only to raise us to standards.. but also spring us beyond. Not sure if you can see this but I hope this reaches you somehow. 

To that English Teacher, I hold in my mind forever, momentary bursts of mild contempt as I look upon my younger foolish self but always with the holding gaze of awe and a standing ovation from afar.