Emotional baggages.. how does one shed them.. If it were physical.. one would simply toss them over the veranda or into a torrential river and let the frothy white water tear it to shreds and flush it into oblivion.

In all our lives, the seemingly endlessness of all the garbage we have been fed and all the gunk we have to swallow is made only less bearable by the passage of time.. Either the length of which one has to tolerate it.. or the fact that we had to pass it not being able to do anything about it.

29 this year.. and what was first take with seeming non-chalance.. has recently taken a turn for the worse.. slipping in to the dark side is a seeming obvious option that one does not really need to try to get into. It seems staying single might have really been a better idea, and then it dawned on the basic scenarios that play out or have been playing out all my life. Singlehood while bearable has always been a mixture.. a suspension that is dotted with anecdotes of days gone by.. where relationships came to fruition and that somehow imploded or fell through one's fingers like catching smoke.

She was someone I'd have gladly sold my soul to. long story short.. it may be a forgone conclusion.. but like grains of sand that dribbles from the desperate grasps of man.. it ebbs beyond one's control.. this prolonged yearning but loss has lead to moments when one is barely in halfs in anything. It seemed that I was perhaps not fated for that thing that I was looking for. Just someone who would be able to live with me and that I would want as much as she would want me.. I guess that is it.. a cruel game that has been laid upon us.. that disgustingly improbable probability where one is to find that other half.. When actually it was really just that other whole that would make me feel less like the only one on this planet.

Many would protest about the other items in ones life.. like the love from one's parents or the prospects of better work progress in one's life.. however.. nothing gives more gratification that the embrace and spiritual tether by one to another. I dare say.. even a hundred million dollars would pale in comparison once the novelty wore off.. and I think it will.. even if it took a few years to set in.

I felt like I ran a marathon in my head all day.. chasing after this seemingly endless pipedream. Should I persist and try to inch my fingers to hers.. trace her silhouette in the air.. reminisce the smell that is her hair.. the twinkle in her smile.. the depth of her eyes.. the air of cool that drives me to madness and aww.

Think hamlet got it right those many years ago.. to be..or..

It was a mess... probably still is..

There is A, B and C.

C likes A but A hasn't been responsive much..

and after a  long while, C decided that since A was not responding he should try elsewhere.

Sort of hit it off with B.

Moral dilemma 101.. its just too complicated..

how does one solve such things.. time for some brainstorm to de-tangle the noodle.

btw frd said,

at the end of the say, it depends on the kind of rs you both are having.
 if she has no plan to b with you  then what are you going to do about it.

if she likes you enough or at least willing to try then she would have long been with you.

think valentines day anyhow spend with pple de meh?

in the end you have to think bout what exactly are u being responsble for.


Then some heffalump with a donut for a brain becide to drop and "urgent" matter and the resolution was something that required so many pirouettes I think ever margot fonteyn would puke.

Like that I am able to do stuff.. and that the skill is applicable.. but the appreciation.. and the structure here kinda sucks.. OMOMOMMOMOMOMOMOMOMOOMOMOMOMMOMOMoOo.

Scrubbing through my brain.. think somethings need to be thrashed out.. others just trashed..

Wish life would be alittle lighter and the road ahead.. brighter, straighter..

Think a getaway is in order.. but on the other hand.. one should save up for the stuff in life that matters.. it is yet another dilemma.. wtf..