ㅆ Yㄴㅁㅐ

how did i find you.

2011-12-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

of all the people that i've met in my lifetime.. there are so many that wisp pass me without me knowing.. yet some clinch to the back of my head like i've got dart markings on it.. and some even manage a bullseye..

in all this.. all i see is fear... fear that i might falter again.. fear that i might make a mistake.. fear that i might make the wrong choice.. fear of hurting others if i need to leave ..

what if if doesn;t work out
what if i can;t provide for her
what if i she falls for someone else.
what if i fall for someone else
what if she doesn;t love me like i do her.
what if she's the sort who eats man for a living
what if she's a serial killer
what if she;s godzilla reincarnated..

okok.. you get the point.

sometimes i think i dun belong .. its almost infuriating..

splinter / thorn

2011-12-03T21:42:00.000-08:00

it drives one to his insensibilities.. everything is a weird concoction of conflicting components..

the more i drive at it.. the more it binds and blinds.. the noose tightens round my mind

feels not unlike a thorny branch... plunged deep within.. it hurts to keep it in.. death ensues if pulled out..

what seems like cupids arrow is really a poison tipped barb fates cruel spear..

innocuous plunges that have since become torrents of cruel stabs.. feeling drain.. deprived.. thirst but not for drink.. hunger but not for food.. an endless wander where the lifting and landing of steps seems driven not by need of a destination .. but the need to occupy the mind with a droning repetition while flood my eyes with scenery only to find them blind to all but the image in my mind..

blows the dust off and put the sheets off..

2009-09-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

I'm back and anew.. well almost..

i seem to be dragging so much of me behind..

i wish i have a clean slate to begin on.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

It kinda was three years ago.. well soon to be... i thot it ended.. it did not..

she's still waiting.. all this time.. i thot time as always served to wash and wear off the effects of that fateful acquaintance.

Ok.. btw.. i AM watching "serendipity" if you dunnow wat that is.. i guess you prob won't get the rest of this.

All this while.. in her absence.. i missed... i missed... ... i missed her...

Everyday i reminisce... drives me while and gives me the energy which i ride out.. day after day..

and then the day came when i decided that the lack of communication and the holding on to this mirage is going to ultimately do me in.. hence i sent a mail out to her ... ...

i decided that it'd brilliant to move on...

did not work out.. couple months down... she messaged me...

"I missed you" three words that blew my mind like a freaking mind grenade....

until recently .. she says she's been waiting for me... and the fact that i'm affected is saying plenty about how much i miss her too.

yet i know its not possible...

----------------------------------------------------------_-----------------------------------
when i thot all was over .. i decided to move on....

then i got to know this beauteous.. the one person that seems to be on the same track as me..

similar thots.. sophisticated..cute.. smart.. bakes well..

imaginative...sweet.. she's got the cutest voice.. artsy...

all in all i want her..

and just about 3 days ago.. a message came..

now my mind is a ball of gunk...

save me..

this is the closest thing to crazy that i've ever known

2009-05-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

to go really crazy would be unthinkable. a state i know could be attained if i hadn't control. so restrain i must till you return. the craze shall pass and in all loveliness for your beauty and charm i'll yearn..

yearn

2009-05-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

misplaced...mishapened...in darkness I harkened...I chased the promise of your glow.. and a wisp of light, i boldly follow... the sinewy trails fall lay by fate... so fragile and frail it lay in wait... for the day shall come when you've returned... that i shall more than ever.. for you i yearn..

HZ

2009-05-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

i miss her lips already.. and its only for that transient moment.. capture in frames.. as years of wanting surge through us.. and motioned my fingers through her silky tresses.. my vision blurred.. my senses heightened.. hands trace down her back.. a heck to the world around.. devoid of any sound..for i think for once that wat i wanted to find was found...

paper and charcoal..

2009-05-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

i wish there was someone who would teach me how to draw.. there is a picture i wish to translate in coal.. as photographs jsut seems too harsh.. - i used to think that photography is a hand that i never had..having never been able to will a pencil in my claw of hand... i searched for the tool and thot i found.. today i found it empty.. i wish to lay down some lines...and trace the very silhouette my mind has etched

something that made me come back and blog about.

2009-05-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

was suppose to meet alicia for dinner today at holland village.. and i arrived a tad earlier.. so i sat in at starbucks sipping on coffee and munching quiche..

well holland v being wat it is..is filled to the brim with university students hence not exactly short on feminine beauty.. well it wasn;t exactly wat i had in mind.. but it was a nice place to pple watch..

came across especially this gal.. who has had a tattoo done.. and it was quite well done if i might say so..

upon her back was written in typewriter font or something to that effect.and wat was scribed was "ëverything is illuminated" it kinda hit me like a dear friend of mine who uses "edify" in her email add.. either case its pretty much a smack in the face.. a moments enlightenment.. an awakening.. and an utter delight..

well having been a fan of good skin body art.. it was just jaw droppingly good..its just a pity i haven my camera to take a picture to show it to you guys..

the thing is its so sublimely brilliant..just a straight line across.. no cursive.. no twirls.. just the simple old font.. this is its being put alittle off centered.. with the "is" in the sentence nestling just on the ridge which is the vertebrae..

combine that with the lbd number that the girl was wearing. with those slender shoulder straps framing her flawless back with that teaser of a tattoo...

if possible i'd love to have her pose in the soft genteel lights of the setting sun.. an image to remember...

since 16th nov 2008

2009-03-05T03:59:00.000-08:00

oh my.. oh my .. oh my .. oh my..

i am in such shite man..

i have fallen and then i have ousted myself from it again.

i am glad that i am able to meet alot of gorgeous women in my life i truly am.

i am really really really grateful

cos my eyes gets so much exercise.

but i am still single..

i begin to wonder if there is something wrong with me.

i shall try to list it out..
on second thot.. its too many..

holy cow..

they are pple i chat up.. make friends.. laugh.. make jokes.. shop..

they was one whose character was so lovable.. for awhile i was swooned..

then there are a FEW who have the sweetest smiles...

one who has amazing taste.. or can somehow make the most ordinary clothing look like PHWOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one who has the softest skin...

one who was amazingly sexy...

one who is unobviously sexy .. to her its oblivion.. to me its like a vinyl sticker all over me..

a few whom have lips i wanna kiss when there speak...

one who is fantastic in no matter wat hairstyle..

one who only has one hairstyle..

one who has had the same kind of hair.. but hell of alot of style..
the kind that should appear on those women with power ads.

one who doesn't really speak english.. but she knows i love you.. and she says it so much..

one whom i bumped into out of no where and she was cute fab sexy well spoken tall sweet nice smile but ..... married...

so after all this.. and its only in the passed week or so.. i think i shall devote my soul to singlehood.. cos honestly.. i am baffled..

i still know that i have these really beautiful gorgeous fantastic magnificent amazing incredible outrageous and blah blah friends..

but i guess its easier as friends i guess..

or maybe i just tumble too easily into the friend zone..

hmmmm

twirl..

2008-11-16T07:04:00.000-08:00

before i dive into some french stuff i got at the book fair.. yes.. i went to the book fair.. shocking..

well not really.. just that for a book fair that is held by "harris" well its like.. erm... not that bad. but some how i do have doubts about their marketing scheme.. not too sure it really working the way it's intended..

well.. its not really borders...

people still cannot shake off the popular thing..

well.. the title is twirl.. plainly because my brain is no longer some knotty noodly thing .. i thinkpretty soon.. i'll transform it into some pate looking thing which is all kinda swirl twirly.. think sundae..

well its like this.. i am with this gal.. well more like.. i think.. cos she is 7 hours flight away.. with really hardly any communication.. replies come like a stork sends them.. but when they come. its sweet like you ate a tonne of miracle fruit cos it makes everything feels great..but it later just blows off.. and how long is this going to last.. its been like this for 2 years..almost..

i thot at some point.. we kinda broke up.. cos i was saying somethign along the lines of.. how about we remain as friends and when we meet we'll pick up from there.. then she disconnected..

so i thot.. ok.. single and i shall pick up from there..

saw this really nice gal.. and thot .. it should be nice to hang out with.. no intellectual barrier.. no language barrier... she wows the shorts off me.. very pretty.. sweet voice.. fair skin.. essentially you get the geez..

but her being the shy sort..it was hard to get her out.. until recently.. i managed to.. but.. on the date itself. i got a message from this the 7 hours away gal..

i felt like some curse was there...

its like whenever i felt like i should move on.. the "fates" would send post-its about the (one you met by chance).. it like serendipity.. the movie.. except..the guy in the show was gettign married.. which is worse.. so i ain complaining. but how long more do i have to wait...

i just wish they was a sure sign...

in the meantime i guess its platonic friends then.. sadly.. can;t put my foot down.. disappointed with myself

max payne..

2008-10-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

the movie sucked
wat can i say.. as aguy who played the game too many times.. the movie is a goner.. aptly called a ripoff.. holy mother.. you follow all the names and characters but not the story line.. even if somethign unexpected is supppose t turn out.. how does it fit?

and worse still mark wahlberg for this?

same goes for hitman.. it was such a miss.. a big headed baldy for the hitman..

noted .. alot of pple say.. the two roles above should have gone to jason statham...

how did these guys even get approval to shoot this..

bored tired.. swooned.

choices.

2008-10-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

i know life are full of choices..

btu sometimes when one is as good as the other how would you know?

also wat if its not a matter of one from the other but one from maybe 5..

its so boggling. literally shite..

well i sure wish i could be more decisive..

btw.. i just landed myself in so much shite..

liek numero uno shito..

i fell.

and so deep too...

i've never been in so deep..

think i'm stuck.

oh .. love is a gawdy issue ..really..

2008-10-04T05:47:00.000-07:00

lovelovelovelovelleaoaloeakokoskaiwliakslajd

honestly.. once you try to type it repeatedly it does get a tad blurry..

alot of pple lose sight of things.. and i have to say. i'm not really helping..

and writing a lover issue themed blogroll over a bogroll and topgear playing in the

adjacent window doesn;t really help.

well the thing is .. love should be love passion and obsession..

but in the current society.. where pple dun live as long as just enough to discover they are naked..eat an apple.. cover themselves with leaves and make out..

we need alot more to substantiate a relationship these days..

its alot to worry about..

how to find..

the perfect girl/guy

how to see if he or she is the "perfect one"

then.. you date..

but if you weren't happy with it..

breaking up.. involves war for awhile.. then finally a break which leaves both sides in abit of a dog's breakfaast.

much later.. the guy may feel guilt and decide to go at it the second time.. cos maybe she'd have changed.. or vice versa.. you know the guy gal thing.. i am really not that diligent..

then after he or she foudn the perfect one..

the marriage becomes an issue.. where to register.. where to hold the dinner.. which church.. etc..

then.. the flat.. or the condo.. or the island..

then.. kids.. boy or gal..

then...like wth..

so as you can see. the story is plenty complicated.. arrrrghhh...

.............................................................................................

the thing is this..

there are so many love stories in my life.

i'm not saying they are all mine.

mine are always the i have a crush on you sorta thing...
so no resolution on that i guess.. hahah..

well.. wat made me write this piece would really be a friend's situation.. and i am god thankful tt the tumultuous times are mostly over..

its a case of not enough communication.. imprecise communication.. insecuritities..

alot of guessing.. and worse still both parties of the couple were my friends.

the girl happen to be one of my closest friends .. while the guy happens to be one of the guys that i happen to just be able to clique on things mostly.. and we were classmates.

when the conflict began i felt guilt cos i intriduced them to each other initially..

then later i got really guilt ridden..

the girl confided in me about the stuff.. and i had to be impartial..

whilst the guy was being all silent.. and irresponsive..

i was getting worried..

i was afraid.. that it might have been over cooked...

well.. just so you know.. all is well.. i honestly wish things will get better and stay better for a long long long long time for these two at least..

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2008-10-04T01:58:00.001-07:00

FORGIVE ME BUT THIS HAS TO BE DONE IN CAPS..

BECAUSE I AM HUGELY DISAPPOINTED BY SERVICE IN SINGAPORE...

THE THING IS.. THEY EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND.. BUT WE KEEP ALL THE BRAGGING STUFF ABOUT US BEING SO EFFICIENT AND ALL THAT LA DIDA..

HONESTLY. FALL OVER AND HIT A TREE OR SOMETHING.. ITS A HIDEOUS SCAB ON THE IMAGE THAT IS BUILT UP IN ALL OTHERS MINDS. AND ALOT OF EXPATRIATES ARE SAYING SINGAPORE IS A BRILLIANT PLACE COS THEY COULD HIRE SOMEONE TO DO STUFF FOR THEM.. AND COME ON.. TO BE DEADLY HONEST.. IF YOU ARE RICH.. ITS FINE HERE.. COS.. MONEY REALLY DOES MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND.. BUT THE THING IS.. IN A COUNTRY THAT WHIPS ITS CITIZENS ON THEIR BACKS TO TOIL ALONG AND DRAG-ON FOR THE ECONOMY.. ITS EFFICIENCY IS APPALLING...

I DUN NORMALLY GET CHEESED OFF AND YELL AND PPLE.. I NORMALLY WOULD PUMMLE THEM TO PULP FIRST.. THEN STAB THEM.. THEN YELL AT THEM..BUT TODAY IT WAS SERIOUSLY THE LAST STRAW... I CALLED A CERTAIN COMPANY S*****B ABOUT SOME SERVICES.. AND BECAUSE OF SOME BLITHERING BUFFOON BLABBING SOME BLIGHTY BONKERS BICKERED BOLLOCKS THROUGH THE BLOODY PHONE..AND ITS SOME CUSTOMER SERVICE "HOTLINE" MUST BE SO HOT.. COS I CALLED IT ALMOST 7 TIMES IN 30 MINUTES AND CAN'T GET THROUGH..AND EACH TIME I CALL.. I HAVE TO WAIT FOR SOME NUMBNUTS TO TALK ME THROUGH WHICH BUTTON TO PRESS AND THE LATEST PROMO.. AND AFTER LIKE A THOUSAND BUTTONS LATER.. SORRY.. ALL OUT CUSTOMER SERVICE OFFICERS ARE CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE.. PRESS ONE TO HAVE US GET BACK TO YOU... OR HANG UP TO END THE CALL.

DO YOU BLOODY THINK I CALLED YOU SO MANY BLOODY TIMES TO FUCKIN HANG UP???

DO I LOOK LIKE A BLOODY HUMPBACK MARSHMALLOW STUMP TO YOU?

WAT SORT OF BLARDY HOTLINE IS THAT?

IS HOTLINE MORE LIKE BOLLOCKS LINE FOR PETE'S BLOODY SAKES..

I'M NOT SOME ANAL ANORANK MOANING ABOUT ALL THIS CRAP.. BUT THE LAST TIME I CALLED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT AN AWARD WINING DESIGN MP3 PLAYER..I GOT THE SAME BLEEDING DIDDLY AND DOO-DAH..

FOR HOLY MOTHER OF GOSH SAKES.. DONOT CALL IT A HOT LINE UN LESS.. ITS A I CALL YOU PICK UP THING.. AND IF YOU WANT TO PROVIDE ANY FORM OF CUSTOMER SERVICE.. PROVIDE THE BLOODY CUSTOMER SERVICE.

OTHER WISE.. GO SCREW YOURSELVES.

you belong to me..

2008-10-04T01:55:00.001-07:00

this is a really nice song.. amazingly from shrek..

i really had no idea.. well.. i loved it at first listen..

yum..

for your listening pleasure too if you find it.. or found it.

Lyrics | Jason Wade - You Belong to Me lyrics

i think i know wat i want.

2008-08-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

she's all natural.

she's brunette (pref conditional)

she's tall bout 175 (conditional)

she's into cars or things with wheels. haha

she's pure at heart and filial.

she's independant but willing to talk things out.

not necessarily a knock out but soothing to the eye.

no tranquilizer please, would prefer salsa or tequila-ish sorts.

have tats maybe at the small of her back or ankle. (cute, sweet .. yum)

lat but not least.. able to stand me..

you know some of these things are so darn hard to find..

we are essentially looking for a next of kin of sorts..

the one family we've yet to've been reunited with..

well its a round the clock story..

in this urbanite concrete and steel jungle of trellis structures and "I" Bars and glassy facades.. we're now barked by the very fundamentals.. other than the need to work.. out ability to maintain our population has become a problem..

this kinda makes it even more stressful..

well we all have our ideals.. its just how we step down or one up ourselves..

if we "just make do" and get married and boost population.. divorces would rise.

if we marry our ideal.. we'd probably take ages to marry them.. or even after marriage to maintain the pulse or the passion.. this couple may decide we won let a kid ruin this peace and not have kids.. then proceed to live till ilve bores them out.. and sex no longer thrills.. cos it has become a mundane repetitive process that has become so monotonous they start to stray.. then comes the inevitable divorce and etc.. which honestly lands in a total wash out..

our society has to tune down our pace of life... in a land where making do is a death note.. i am not too sure the birth problem would be solved..

we are never satisfied.. if you dun have a kid.. the gov says have one.. but then there after you dun take care of it.. then.. maids come in.. then kids get spoiled.. then the school dun care.. or are too scared to care.. then more spoilage.. then the ever influx of new techno and clothing trends.. and parents too busy making money to fuel the wants then forget to see the other end of the spectrum till its almost too late..

this vicious cycle has to stop some where.. and honestly sometimes i think bringing in of foreign talent ain bad.. sure it get competitive.. but with moderation it would be help ful.. and honestly witha global population exploding.. contributing to it feels like a global irresponsibility.. but then a governments most immediate concern is indeed the welfare of the state and the people.. have to say they've have done quite some job.. and mustbe hell too.. but the pace is really quite at the peak with pple working till white hot almost.

well thankfully enough there are more pressurised environments.. maybe one day.. the pressure will tone down. and pple will be able to enjoy a lifestyle (having the time of your life with your kids and celebrating life.. and not trying to live stylishly... BMWS hugo boss and loewe bags maybe..

a double edged sword.

copy and paste..

2008-08-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

i'm afraid i've lost momentum with all this blogging .. thing it just takes the piss out of my life.. well not that i'm having much of one now..

Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true..

i love this verse.. i love the movie that had it.. i love that it was so random and that this opportune moment has led me to something that i can refer back in some page in my mind.

btw.. i wish life was simpler.. black .. white.. alittle less grey.. sometimes our wants may out weigh our needs.. well i sure hope.. things light up more..

miss her.. but she ain mine to miss no more..hope she finds herself freed.

i dunnoe wat to say.. i feel like a bastard.

2008-07-18T03:24:00.000-07:00

i know i am a bastard... or i just have a really bad case of commitment issues.

well i know i write about this all the time. guess its really not helping too but i really want to get it off my chest.

this would be a event of mixed feelings.. remorse? alittle melancholy? a death wish? andd floods of good feelings.

ii have to say.. i hardly goo clubbing. (shame? not) well not liking the loud music.. the smoke machine.. the bad music.. the lack of rhythm in some pple. and sometimes getting my asss spanked by "idunno".

well the last time i went clubbbing was with katharine and amy and amy's boyfriend.. turns out music ain tooo good.. too crowded.. too much.. and yet.. too little. it just did not feel as uninhbited.. quite a cold shower.. and cold feet in my case.. hhaving normally gone to pubs and chill, and plus someone did not feel like dancing cos of the music.. i dunnoe.. kinda bored yet wanting to just jump into the crowd and dance my as off..oh yah.. did i mention.. the crowd is kinda young?hahah

well enuff of my failed clubbing history.. its really a longer story to come./.

well now i am officially bumped..

i dun reallly manage my emotions.. i kinda go wiith the flow.. you know wat i mean?

i hurt some pple along the way as well.. but ii really duunnoe how does one grasp on to a realtionship if its unfeeling and pauused. having periodical laughter and then followed by awkward silence.. that kinda of relationshhips..

well i am gladd i have my share of infatuatons.. well its a understatement definitely.. almost every relationship i have hhadd is short.. and like it isn;t badd enough .. i think ii just hhit wat would be the holy grail..

i known this korean gal.. yes.

ii liked her ... yes..

i wanted to be wiith her.. yes..

wanted to go to her.

but...BUT...

we hardly tok.. we barely know each other ..

and the only thing holding it up is the occasionnal i love hers and the pin holding a memory on my wall of crushes about that one night we met and our eyes locked.. and i was shaken..

then came the ii love her voice and character person. who is too into her career and her goals for now to accomodate me in her life.. so .. its out..

and then it was yesterday..

met up with my camp mates.. went clubbing.. i know its a bad idea.. i really can't dance.. andd ii'm kinda fugly.. so welll you get the point.. clubs are kinda hip and cool.. i am far from it.. loads..

so there i was.. surprisingly iit felt ok..hhad a few drinks.. haadd some more drinks.. had milo.. had hhaagen daz..watced some others drink.. and then to the cclub..it was the usual.. noise.. smoke.. but more popular musiic.. and so we went to the dance floor.. it was such a suiciide move.

danced witha couple oof gals.. the grinding.. the shaking.
. the twists.. the holding and the hold feeling of letting go.. slowly it camee to me.. amazingly enufff at 22.. my clubbbing experience is still less than wat my ten fingers can count.

so just went on dancing.. some are better.. some worse.. some are plain crazy.. but the feeling was all raw and carnnal.. think tribal celebrations.. then noticed this lady at the lower stage around the turntable area.. dressed like i like.. lbd.. no ott.. and i am so wanting to dance with her.. so as if like an earth visiions documentary on animal courtship the dance began.. ahahaha..

well it was eye contact.. and then i danced.. and then i she saw.. and then after god knows how long we're back where we were..iits a round stage.. and rotates.. so we see each other periodically..

finally coaxed her on stage for a while.. she smelled heavenly.. not because of the smoke.. she really did.. and then we danced somemore.. and then somemore.. and then tooka break for a while.. then went back to see where the guys were..or the beanie on e of the guys were wearing.. that was like the only thing i could see..

after a short break and chatting up some pple round the bar.. it was back to the dance floor.. they she was again.. we danced and later it grew closer.. till we touched..

in the end.. we moved aside and toked.. and kissed.. she had really soft lips.. tasted like heaven..

but too badd i never had her number.. though she had mine..

all i have now is this fond memory..

her name..

her face..

her breath..

her lips..

and btw she is kinda older than me..

wat have i gotten my self into.. or wait.. i know wat i am in..

just wishhed it lasted longer..

hope she reads this and calls me too..

so if you guys know a single (separated) blond lady, who is about 1.8 tall.. australian, name is carolyn/caroline. please help me..

cya

quoting from someone

2008-07-08T04:22:00.000-07:00

quoted from singleserves.blogspot.com

just thot wat this post was about made alot of sense about pple and relationships..

for some of you.. wat you are about to read could be a tad erotic and maybe (R)ated or watever so just bugger off.

but if you want to . just skim the surface.. and you will see wat i find so intriguing about this post.

“Oh my god! It’s so weird to hear you, of all people, say you have a boyfriend!”

I was having drinks with an old friend from Singapore – someone who was familiar with the younger, more imprudent me, and whom I hadn’t seen in years.

“I know,” I said, glancing away quickly. “Weird. To be fair, I only started calling him my boyfriend slightly more than a year ago. Before that, he was just my…”

“Fuckbuddy?”

“Um, no, not really. Stopover fuck’s more like it.”

“Is that higher or lower than a fuckbuddy in the grand scheme of things?”

“I’m not sure. He was never a ‘buddy’ – I never really wanted him to just be my friend. I think he was in a special category all by himself.”

“Ok, so when did he become your boyfriend then?”

I thought for a long while. It’s hard to say exactly when A first became my boyfriend, in both name and spirit. There was no one momentous occasion with bells ringing and birds chirping, but rather, as these things tend to go, a culmination of gestures and intimations that seemed so natural at the time, I never once stopped to think what they all meant.

Was it when he first said “I love you”? Was it when he stopped sleeping with other people – or was it when I did? Or maybe it was the moment I gave him the key to my apartment, asking that he call it his own. Or could it have been the numerous little epiphanies that I got along the way writing about him on this blog?

Maybe the truth lies in the truly mundane. I mean how many times can a girl read, and re-read, and re-read, and re-read, and re-read a single text message? (Without losing her eyesight, that is.) Well in my case, a fair estimate might be…more than a few dozen? And I still smile too. I have over a hundred of his texts saved in my phone, and my favourite one dates from as far back as July 2006.

I tried hard to remember when I said my first “I love you”. Because surely that would have given me the answer to my friend’s question. But I couldn’t. (Admittedly my excuse is that I was highly intoxicated at the time.) But I’ve said it too many times to count since. And besides, I probably meant, showed and indicated it in a myriad of ways before my tongue got into the act of forming the actual words.

In that way, I think sometimes the body is wiser than the mind. Even from the first time, I marveled at how my body fit into his. How he took my hand to cross the road while we were walking back to the hotel and how I smiled, and curled my fingers around his without breaking stride. Or into a cold sweat.

How after sex, I knew exactly how to curl up him like a limpet, resting my head along the crook between his collarbone and chest, and letting our post-coital smells spontaneously mingle.

And how we kissed. Oh, how we kissed. We only started doing this later on in the relationship, him having never been too big on ‘the kissing thing’ when he was with other women. But the first time he decided to take me in his arms, using his lips to smother, suckle and caress me with wild abandon, I was lost.

More importantly, my body had stopped enjoying sex with other people way before my mind cared to concede. In fact, it took me a streak of rather unenjoyable encounters – including one where I had to literally sneak out of someone’s apartment like a thief while he was sleeping (leaving no note, and definitely no number!) – to make me sit up and think…

Waitaminute. Whatthehelljusthappened? That used to be fun.

So where does all this leave us? I suppose with the old adage that change happens – even to the unlikeliest candidate of us all. And the best kind of change feels natural, and organic, and not impelled by anyone else but yourself. The funny thing with change of course, is that it’s only when somebody shines a ‘blast from the past’ spotlight on you, that you realise it’s actually happened.

Otherwise, you’d just think you were being you.

Ever heard the phrase, “I love you, but I love me more?” It’s a phrase that maybe Sash would have used. Or anyone with a strong, uncompromising sense of self. And in all my previous relationships, I had always felt this epic tussle between the real me and the ‘me’ that the other person wanted me to be.

It never felt quite right.

Because how much can you truly change about yourself on behalf of someone else? A lot of people pretend, all their lives even, whilst scurrying away to hide their dirty secrets from prying eyes. But I never wanted to pretend. And I never wanted to compromise. And maybe that’s why it took me such a long time, and such a lot of tries to get it right.

Because finally, I’ve found someone that I can just be me with. Kinky, quirky, funny soulful me.

And that’s what changed. I’ve found my home, my family, my anchor and my truth in another person. And I suppose, for the first time, after 2 years and 9 months, I can finally say, with some degree of certainty, that I’m content in a way that comes from knowing indeed, there is someone out there for me. Yes, for even ‘difficult cases’ like me. So there’s hope for all.

Maybe that’s why I stopped blogging – because in a way, I’ve stopped searching. I’m still me but I can’t be Sash anymore. Not in the way you know me anyhow. Ferociously hunting for the next man, the next high, the next hedonistic adventure, the next blogworthy anecdote. Just because I could. And also because in a way, playing the game and exerting my sexual power had become my heroin.

But now, I’ve realised that it’s not the end of the world when I can’t get laid with that super-handsome, well-dressed, alpha-male of a man that’s looking sideways at me across the bar…

So you see, there is simply no more sexual pathos. Or so it seems for now, anyway.

Because when I do go out looking for sexual adventure – which still happens, mind you, pretty often – I go out looking in tandem. And boy is it fun to hunt in a pack. I know I have the best wingman I could ever ask for by my side, and the best fall-back plan if things don’t work out.

Someone who makes me laugh till my sides ache, fucks the living bejesus out of me, snuggles up in the morning when its cold, and treats me with the utmost patience, respect and forgiveness on days leading up to my period.

He is my biggest adventure. And even till this day, there’s a sense of newness to our relationship. Perhaps because every day with him is a revelation of the depth and nuance of feeling that I am capable of with him.

But I can’t risk boring you with any more details. Really, the last thing the world needs is yet another rosy-eyed romantic grandiosely espousing the life-changing power of love. And please, I beg of you not to put me in that category.

I don’t believe in happy endings, but there’s something to be said for happy beginnings, and middles.

Because they’re just wonderful. :)

P.S. And that pesky monogamy thing? We have a deal that I’ll stay faithful as long as he makes sure that I always have the most mind-blowing sex a girl like me could possibly want and have. And also, that he brings home guys for the occasional dp. ;)

wat a week.. month.. day.. something.

2008-06-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

here i am for a long time since i last blogged.. i wished i've been able to have osme giant remote with a huge pause button.. sometimes.. i wish i could indulge in things and just stay there for a while longer..cos somethigns are just so hard to grasp.. and no matter how short it lasted.. even if its really small.. i just realy wanted to have these moments all strung up ..

sometimes i thing i take it a tad too easy and i guess sometimes i may have been a tad too easy .. to take things so lightly and make a hash of alot of things.. i guess the worst would be when i dive into things. being a idiot at times doesn;t really help.

well i was with a bunch of girls. well i know wat you pple are thinking.. but i am not some player..i'm just trying to find someone.. but the trial and error process is horrendous.

well more error i guess..

and speaking of which .. i met someone recently with whom i could swear i was mesmerised like never before...well i've probably said this more than the spokes on a wheel..or the spines of a porcupine.. but this time its not the looks.. i actually knew her voice first. then her mind.. then.. finally her face.. well its a break because.. we are so similar in so many ways.. its scary.. she has this really driven character about.. so serious about her work and goign all out for it.. at the same time she makes me feel so nice when we speak on the phone.. i never feel the need to censor myself around her and. all in all she is just brilliant. and i miss her. i really do.. even though we never made it together.. its really not meant to be.. but she was really the inside stuff .. the stuff that matters.. she doesn;t look bad.. can run in heels.. very responsible..

but..

she is a fad older with a diff pool.. and no doubt on phone we melt into each other.. just moans and groans are like a tickle to our ears.. and no need for words.. but when we met.. it got all weird.. and we shrunk away..

i wish i am more patient.. i wish things were different..

well wishes are as they are.. elusive as ever.. ..

well gtg.. i miss her.. kinda like how i missed Sijin.

but having never maintained contact.. all i could do is miss...

sometimes it feels like i'm whithering.. i long for attachemtn and some one who would be the one. but i guess.. its be more testing then i anticipated..

love is a jaded thing...?

something i wish you could hear.

2008-05-07T07:01:00.000-07:00

you make me feel like i could fly..

i longed for you for so long.. and i am ever thankful for your being here.. please dun vanish again..

Thank you.

upset.. think again? and again?

2008-05-07T05:40:00.000-07:00

i whole chain of stuff has started for me..

some i wished for the longest time ever.. some i am not even sure wat i am doing..

and suddenly i seem to have been caught off guard of sorts..

confident me.. well.. not really ..

more a shell that has been shattered time and again..

and has revealed the lifeless sinews within..

more often than not.. i find myself sleeping .. or rather not sleeping..

this would have to be a first.

i am all frazzled..tired and unfocused..

it was this..and i look like shit. SHIT..

not so long back.. i was in love.. infatuated.. not unlike seeing a model in a poster and going all gaga etc.. except its for real..she was and still is a godsend.. for which i am thankful and i wish that i could hold and behold..well i have beheld her all along.. and have held..and wish to hold for life long.

but then.. some time in my life.. her absence carved a void.. she was kinda away.. without notice or knocking.. i thot she had forgotten about me.. and after asking for advice from friends.. they said its a strong and unreasoning but transitory attachment. I wished it wasn't.. and it wasn't.. i thot i could forget her.. then.. i got into a mess..

i tumbled into a relationship.. which then spun out of control..

its really like mudpie squished..

then.. i wanted to die..cos it just can't go further..

then its like urghhhhhh...

i just wanna die..

then i am for about two hours..

but somehow i wished i did not just bounce back..

then i thot i'd just meet up with the same girl again.. to further explain myself if

and then..it got worse.. trying to state the impossibility of us being together is

just painful..but i really could not bear it any all.. so i just kinda killed off

like i was prepared to face her all teary and ready to kick my arse.. well... i

didn't get it.. not sure am i to be thankful or frightful.. and also at this

juncture..and to complicate it further something that i have been waiting for..

on one end.. i felt like have sinned.. then..

guilty..

...
dunnoe wat to do ..

philosophy.

2008-02-28T06:25:00.000-08:00

to be honest.. this is hardly wat i was intending on bloggin on.. but it just hit me as i came online..

my life as far as it is now.. is an incessant mix of waking up everyday darn dead early... dead.. really.. i could imagine being driven to work in a hearse.. how apt.

well that day was horror.. i was doing some stuff for my ma'am.. its about some darn map.. which i trust some of you would have gotten the hairball from me by now.. i kinda exploded.. well thank you for tolerating my fits..

well it was suppose to be gym.. well later we went for eats and then we started toking about philosophy.. and soon we were toking all over from one end to the other..

well.. gotta go..
i am so down..

a new year.. a new chapter.

2008-02-10T05:26:00.000-08:00

dear diary..

i feel so distressed... hahah.. no just kidding. just drained.. like some one has just shaft a vac up me and sucked me dry..

wel exhausted but very enjoyable..

its been a pretty harsh last year.. like before cny.. alot has happened.. or rather.. alot more than i would love to..

well a new year.. traditonally.. a new start and long way more to go..

had to rush back.. packed cluelessly.. haha.. did not even match my clothes properly.. haha.. kinda shocked my mum cos she was like.. WAT!!!!..

but well it turned out ok.. so impromptu mix and match sorta worked. haha..

well back in m'sia all is well.. gald to see my grandparents still alive and well. and my cousins.. i so miss them.. wanna see them again.. we have such a nice time and boy it was hugely fun..

also my cousin on my maternal side has a baby.. so cute.. so adorable.. so.. kuchichichichku... cute.. haahah

well till i blog again..

my niece.. oh sooooooooooooo cute.

2008-02-10T05:24:00.000-08:00

please ignore the background sound.. mute it.. just watch in adoration at this new born gorgeous..

i miss you so..

2008-02-03T06:39:00.001-08:00

the first string of words that blurt from my brain to my digits..

was kinda hoping they'd come from the lips of a jazz maestro.. (diana krall)

or a loved one..that soft moist breath of air that accompanies the whisper that is

gentle..and ever so endearing..a fleeting moment that would leave you wanting to cuddle

closer.. as she lowers her volume to nothign but a murmur.. leading to a finality of cuddles

quite like the mergin of two.

.....................................................................

anohter major chapter.. maybe this blog is cursed.. and that each time i think i gotten something.. and i blogged about it.. it would just go away..

or i just suck at life..

well another love storey chapter of my live has ended.. sounds kinda sad.. well. it is.. to have to loose another one whom is quite so special.. and sweet and intellectual.. was quite a dent in my life.. but better a good friendship than a soured relationship i guess..

well sad..

but have to pick up someday.. and sometime..

till i blog again

i miss you so..

2008-02-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

i am in halves.. or wait.. its quarters.

2008-01-20T06:21:00.000-08:00

dear diary..

the above is like the most cheesy and over used openings to journal entries..
sorry if am not the most faithful diary writer..

it seems i am not really good and faith.. or being faithful anyways.
through out history it seems.. i am ever constantly swayed.

it was only yesterday.. i was off from guard and headed home.. then back out to the beach for volley..

started ok..i always liked volley..the crowd.. the sky.. the sun.. the winds..
it gives mea void.. some where for me to clear my head..a temporary hiatus if you will..sadly..the beach.. was kind of depressing..

on this end of the spectrum i feel i am losing my momentum of life.. i feel i could just lie down and my next blink will be my last..gasping for air.. and gettign kinda loopy..

its like concentrating on concentric circles until you realise thats your noose and very soon you'd suffocate and lay dangling hangman style.

i am caught in a situation.. something i find oddly familiar.. woman trouble.. or rather brain trouble.. it seems to lack the ability to right it self.. i am in this terminal state of wat ifs.. and now in to a nother phase of buts.

i was involved with someone whom i poured my heart into.. she was an enchantment.. and spectral, phantasmal illusion i wish to believe.. as she was one whom i devoted regardless of all the "w" factors... who what where etc..

now i am attached with someone else.. but that day at sentosa.. t just rushed at me like some tsunami... in all calmness .. it hit me square in the face and for the whole time i was suffocating and drowning in thots and memories that set my mind awashed.. it was bitter...

but being attached with one other... yet still having thots of a another is a most heinous crime.. i felt immense guilt and an even bigger sense of betrayal. at this moment in time.. i wish i do not have to do the worst.. but it just seems to lead that way... should i break up with my girlfriend who is this cutesy intelligent being so worthy of adoration who has developed a realtionship with someone with no real merits to speak off.. again guilt.. or sometimes i wish i could take in a final frame and off myself.

hurts..

dear lord..

2008-01-15T05:41:00.000-08:00

of al thinngs that happen.. we cnanot actaully control wat others would do.. hence.. the traffic jams.. the squeeze in some train abins and some empty.. some pretty and others not so.. and etc.. today i got the chance to be more equal than others.. honest.. i was stunned beyond belief when i got whiff of wat happend.. i could not belief my ears.. and at first.. treated it as wrong humour.. and backed off.. but pple around you tend to take it as really fun and twill on and on.. its like watching insects squirm.. plain torture..worse still i kinda became worse when one is unaware..its like a jab.. then all one ever gets are these shards and never knowing who planted them around..

the hilarity continues.. i feel like a specimen of how ugly a human can get.. and somehow.. it reveals to me the many human monstrosities too.. well this little mishap led to many gloats.. and jokes and pokes.. and taunts.. but too much hurts.. its not like i posed and exposed my self for such attention.. i dun need this..and to those who know wat i am toking about.. please.. i ask for no more.. than a peaceful retreat and that all is just lost into an abyss where nothing is lifted.. not even a sinew of such.. as unglorious as it is.. my participation in such is as much as is.. an embarrassment.. which is consuming me whole .. and plenty vexing.. to the soul who took the picture.. its plenty unpleasant when pple take pictures of other pple for watever purposes i shall not explain further.. but i think there should be due amount of personal space for issues no matter to be discussed.. before it hurts.. in which case.. i really do wish the person a holw load of hell.. becasue if you hadn't considered my stand.. why should i consider yours.. this sod it attitude did not com amongst nothing..

i have done wrong.. but please give me a chance to live.. this feels like a life sentence... and while many will deem htis a melodrama and an absolutel exaggeration.. i'd like to see how you'd handle it.. when someone gouges out some chunk of your personal self and exposes it to the world around you..

i feel i have nothign more to say than that i hate myself for having done that.. i hate the person for having been trigger happy and inconsiderate.. and i hate to say this.. but i hate the taunts "jokes" and many devices thrown at me.. meeting such with a smiling face kinda makes it as hard as it would be.. try not to make it worse.. to those who gave the much sympathy and pacifism.. its much appreciated.. not matter genuine or hypocrisy.. i thank you for at least that instant..

for those who know wat this refers to.. reflect.. for those who do not.. i would just say unto you to stay your words.. and not a breather more.. i shall be eternally grateful.

虎Tiger Born in: 1926 1938 1950 1962 1974 1986 1998

2008-01-08T22:49:00.000-08:00

Personality
Courageous, active, and self-assured, a natural leader, passionate and independent. Possibly restless especially if born at night. Rebellious and dynamic. A warrior and center of attention. Quick tempered but considerate. Affectionate but careless. A roaring success awaits the Tiger.In the East, the Tiger symbolizes power, passion and daring. A rebellious, colorful and unpredictable character, he commands awe and respect from all quarters. This fearless and fiery fighter is revered as the sign that wards off the three main disasters of a household: fire, thieves and ghosts.The Tiger is a fortunate person to have around provided you are prepared for all the activity that comes along with his dynamic personality. The impulsiveness and vivacity of the Tiger person are contagious. His vigor and love of life are stimulating. He will arouse every sort of emotion in people except indifference. In short, the captivating tiger loves being the center of attention.

The Tiger likes: Changes, New experiences, Flattery, Surprises, Quality and Parties.
The Tiger dislikes: Boredom, Criticism, Ignorance, Responsibility, Laws and Slowness.

Compatible Animals: Horse, Dog
Incompatible Animals: Snake Monkey

Your Luck In Year 2008
Overall Forecast
This year is a test of endurance for Tigers compare to previous year. Control your temper and rashness. Evil stars gather in your life cycle, undertakings are not good. Thus, be extra alert with regards to business establishment, expansion or career advancement matters.The career luck experiences fluctuations, business dealings are with many setbacks. Working persons should continue to be adaptable to environment; and performance is also continued to be in good lights of your superior. The young Tigers lack the drive to study, coupled with confused moods. There may be mouth and stomach illness, so take note of daily meal consumption. Beware of muggers when outdoors. Take greater care of the elderly at home. Take precaution against fire hazards.Wealth luck is low, proper income is stable, with no signs of windfalls, so control your spending tp prevent cash flow problem. There may be loss of monetary funds, so manage your finance prudently. This is not a good year for relationship matters, where there are communication issue with family, and lovers; be more tolerant and caring.

Career
This is a good year for working Tigers, so boost up rapport with others; everyone across the organization is in harmony, causing tasks to be done more efficiently, and being able to assume more crucial roles. Those keen to establish business has to meticulously draw up a sound business plan, survey the market situation personally, and to avoid making loss. Business owners should preserve their business value this year, network broadly, control temper, where being haughty and conceited will incur disastrous defeat. Tigers who does not get involve in risky stuff may see miraculous events.

Love
Love affairs are often affected due to your mood swings, which make yourself unbearable to be with. Cut down on your bad temper. It is pertinent to sustain harmony between couples, be tolerant and show care. Even when there are disputes, there are chances of remedial. The singles will have the chance to associate with opposite gender during the 5th and 10th lunar month, however the link between the two of you is so transient, but note that haste brings failure.

Wealth
Wealth luck is dim and lack support, so prudently manage your wealth, and save for the rainy day, or else you will suffer at the hands of financial crisis. Proper income luck is stable, with no signs of windfall luck, so stay away from gambling, to avoid being debt laden. High risk or illegal and speculative activities should be avoided at all cost. Do not assume loans or role of a guarantor this year. There is also a fear of sudden events happening in the family causing huge monetary loss. Avoid small dark lanes at night for fear of mugging.

Health
Health is weak, anxiety and frustration upsets your sleep, resulting in more illness. It is wise to be optimistic to all matters. Take note of food hygiene. Those with past illness should watch out for possible early signs of relapse and seek treatment promptly to curb it from worsening. Take note of elderly health and home safety. The very first aged may suffer from illness more easily.

life again

2008-01-06T08:07:00.000-08:00

my life.

2008-01-06T08:06:00.000-08:00

i dun stay single long enuff.

2007-12-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

well thats wat one of my frineds said.. or commented on.. and it was more like.. can;t you stay single for a moment..to be honest.. i find detachment a horror.. i cannot leave without hugs and cuddles.. sometimes i want hugs so much i hug myself.. wait.. that is wrong.. i mean.. i dun do that..

clears throat...hahah

well. to be absolutely honest.. i am verypicky..

so picky infact that.. i doubt anyone would be able to meet the specs of the thing or woman i want..i mean you cna buy shoes with compromises.. and/or buy many pairs of shoes..but you can never have too little woman.. one is all there is.. well sometimes i doubt my self in things i do.. and in this case its no exception.. every gal that i know. has good points and bad.. but the good points may be magnified.. unless the bad ones are so huge then it would be a different story..

luckily for me.. my brain would sometime slip into gear to make rational decisions.. and i am thank full for some made..

irrational ones from the heart ar a whole new kettle of fish.. its really a case of the one you love and the one you know your parents would agree to.. somethign like that.. i am lucky my current is a pretty good mix of both..

my previous.. well.. it was a bad case of heart.. so bad i could have carved mine out and gave it to her..she was a phantasmal being.. one that would have only been able to aexist in a world or nobuo tetsuya's music and would have looked picture perfect in a cosplay costume standing right next to squak lionheart in ffVIII something..

well all in all.. i dunnoe how long it will last.. and i am not sure.. and i am just praying..that this one.. that has come by my life and has miraculously entered my life at this juncture.. i am eternally grateful..

romance..

2007-12-24T01:36:00.000-08:00

i think i am blessed.

or

maybe it just my weakness..

well lets see.. i have probably written a gazillion times that i am infatuous..

many a times.. i have wished to go for flings instead of a relationship cos the baggage that comes along with a reg one. i am not sure i could bare.. esp when i did mention i am infatuous.. well

despite the non explanatory - explanation (if there is such a thing), its been considered kinda heartless. partially because the society views it as such.. and it kinda affects me in to a guilt state as well..

so the only way.. would be a regular relationship..nad here i would just like to say.. i haven the most fantastic history in relationships..well or infatuations..
i shall do it in chronological order.. regardless or infatuation or BGR..

1. kindergarden infatuation- some one called (e) whom i was smitten by for 2 years.. and i actually kissed her.. and ran. but i have no recollection of..don't think anyone does. i only remembered the uniform i wore was ghastly..

2. primary school infatuation- from p1 to 2 known this really cute gal.. so cute it was embarassing. i daren't even look her in the eye.. and i remebered there was a case of peeking at her.. from behind my file.. (sounded perversely wrong - but its not..)blushes..

3. primary school (unclear)- from p3 till p3 i think.. this gal is a chilli pepper.. very nice gal.. sweet smile.. liked her alot.. and i think we were "together" (please go back and flip your brain to primary school mode..you'll see that the implications would be ginormous).. then.. she kinda fell for someone else.. so i was ditched..

4. primary school infatuation- this gal. happens to be a transfer student.. and very pretty..( i dun really know the point.. but i trust no gal that i actually go out is ghastly..so i presume i can then proceed with the rest of tis compost-sition without overtly repeating this word "pretty") sweet looking.. but later went horibly wrong.. cos i think i ticked her off alot. and the process of mollifying it toward freindship kinda backfired..

sec 1 - 4 no one in school..but i was very infatuated with this neighbour of mine.. whom.. i liked.. and wished to pursue.. with serious intentions.. but was due a farce.. as we both found "relationship-ping" at that level not really workable.. and best if we were friends.. even if.. one of worse would be a little sexually confused..(she calls me jie mei.. sort-off) just kidding.. but we are dearly good friends..

post sec pre poly... again for about a year.. this lady filled my mind.. she is gentle.. very pretty smile.. had bad hair days alot.. but easily remedied with salon visit.. hehe.. ain that bad.. well.. she was this sweet cuteness.. always dressed very smiply in black or white tshirt.. no prints. and jeans.. but can stun the socks off me.. well spoken.. dimples... she happens to be in the poly i am in.. but she is older than me and in a seperate wing.. there was once. i dream of her while revising for my papers.. and worse i wrote her name down on my exma paper..felt really stupid..

poly.. shikes.. this would probably be the worst.. well thank god its anonymous.. or i may have to shave my face off and bury it..and its a layer cake thingy.. cos its all jumbled up..and it mostly infatuations. and there were so many i oculd have sworn.. i would have worn hugh hefner for body count..this is embarrassing..

REALLY..

1. a class mate adorable.. very chatty. loads to tok about.. but in the end we grew apart..

2. a class mate.. went with an event with her.. so swoon.. that till this day.. when she smiles i'll faint. and if she i look at her.. i'll melt..she really made me see her for her full detail.. the dark ebony (i know copied it from snow white) hair.. skin fair as snow.. smile like national stadium spotlights (ok .. the brightness.. not that its actually circular with tungsten filaments that switch on and off) but she has this teethy smile that displays confidence.. absolutely amazing dress sense.. speaks well..dreamily sweet.. and as it turns out to be a very nice lady who turns out to be very approachable chatty.. to think i was too shy to even whisper to her for the whole of my first year.. that bad..

3. a girl i met on a cruise.. diff school of study.. cute.. but was attached.. bummer..

4. (relationship) my class rep that year.. the first year i had to be retained.. was very nice to me.. and her clique as well.. funny.. chatty.. witty..but our backgrounds were alot different.. but she is a very pleasant gal and she used to do this really cute thig of biting on my finger till it jst left a mark.. sometimes it hurts.. but cute. and she is also very leggy..she has legs the same length as mine.. but she is shorter than me.. hmmm.. but it was a little rushed.. sorry .. but i was impatient.. so she put it off.. she got someone better afterwards.. good for her..

then..came.. work... this is even worse.. i had crushes like rain..ok.. maybe less.. more like an olive oil drizzle over a nicoise salad..

ok..

here goes..

1. (infatuation -almost made it but did not) a girl (duh!) chubby.. cute.. older than me. (oh.. did i ever tell you i actaully prefer older woman.. not too old..5 years older max) funny.. have topics in common.. comfortable.. but did not want to rush into it.. so we kinda came off. but it was a pleasant experience.. she was very sweet (still is)

2. (infatuation) she is a beautiful person really doorslamming pretty.. with a fantastic smile.. still in my head.. but she is older than me.. again.. she is very knowledgeable..well spoken in both english andmandarin.. and especially well read in chinese lit.. mixture of taiwan singapore and malaysia.. she was a dream.. and has impeccable tastes..am glad to have known her.

3. (infatuation) this lady is malay.. not to mark her out racially.. but its just that because of that .. there in lies the hurdle.. as i am not exactly religious.. we weren;t really possible.. and me being impossible told her i liked her quite abit and things went really wrong i guess.. you know women. haha.. well its hard to live life without regrets.. one end you wish you won regret you did not tell her.. and on the other hand you wish you had never told her..hard choice that one.. i chose the lesser of two evils.. (not really) but yah.. she is amazing.. artistic.. gorgeous. and has the sort of air.. like a travelling artist.. very nice.

4. (infatuation) this lady is again.. older than me.. working in another department.. and have it not been her shoes and hair.. i would have been lost.. its pretty amusing to see a staff dressed not according to dress code.. and sporting a bob hairstyle with striking shoes.. i could have sworn it was athe envy of all who work there.. cos dress shoes can kill.. well she is well spoken.. has good tastes.. also a very artsy person.. impressive cos she is a designer for bags.. or used to.. and good taste.. sweet personality.. pleasant smile.. and sweeter than you think personality..

NS...

normally pple would rarely associate NS with girls. but ... well jsut read..

1. (relationship) from another department.. a sporting gal.. started as a junior kinda thing.. later got a little serious.. cute smiley.. but was a little possesive.. and i found her hard to read.. the relationship went on the rocks and had to be called to a halt.but she was a very passionate girl.. the first one i made out with..

2.this is a peak in my life.. something few would encounter and i am more that fortunate to have experienced a relationship like this.. albeit a very empty one.. its one worth remembering. Met my bud for a drink.. decided to go seven eleven since he was buying.. opened the door and there she stood in all her beauty.. swept me off my feet.. head of heels.. and all that deeply swooned mallarkey.. well all thanks to modern technology we communicated with ease.. but not by phone though sadly.. well.. we've been on sms msn and telly for about 4 months.. but i guess its a sensation of it not going anywhere so she kind of faded into the background.. and not picking up phone calls.. eventually she drifted out of sight.. in all but my minds eye.. who ever she choose to be with i wish her all happiness and bliss..

5. (relationship sort off - present) a studious gal. hardly noticed during school times.. hung out with another class.. she was a in my buddy class in another clique.. had really good grades.. knowledgeable.. quiet.. well spoken.. not characteristically pretty.. but smile is pretty adorable..very good natured..been out with her recently.. to pulau ubin and got caught in this hugely bad rain it kinda pelted down on us like bullets.. very hard to see while cycling.. saw alot of wildlife.. she is also a photography enthusiast and she is into research..she kept up with me on the bike.. we sat on the bridge while taking in the sights and breeze.. a cutey with brains.. who would have thot.. she is amazing.. and i adore her plenty..hope it goes further.

so there it is..these are the major cahpters that strum my heartstrings.. some more.. or less than others.. but none are the same.. i just hope i won be filling up more chapters than need be.. because its a state which wears one out incredibly.. the troughs and peaks can hurl you through the clouds or fall you like a rock.. each in it way.. make you learn and admire things around you.. but in many ways more than others let me see.. that i am surrounded by plenty of beautiful pple who have different skills.. beliefs.. principles and likings.. not all whom i like will like me back.. but i like them all the same..may we be friends near or far.. i wish them all the best.. and with history, bear memories and dreams but no scar.

land ahoy..

2007-12-23T23:57:00.000-08:00

everyone has probably read the story of noah;s ark and how he is carried on this massive ark he built while the whole world was sunken in this huge soup or rotting carcases or rotting human affluence will he sent out the bird once more and it carried back a twig.. and then.. LAND.. all that yada..

well not that it links to anything i am about to say.. not directly anyways..but i guess everyone loves the dwindling flame moment which lead it through to an amazing eruption of energy and uplifting-ness beyond any and many..

well i felt like a dead tree for the longest time.. well enuff repetion.. if you want to.. just read previous posts..well i can hardly say that my journey in life has been smooth.. well smoother than most.. but it seems to be lacking in that spark.. i just dun seem to lead a life with gusto..it seems so flat..

well some one told me before.. boredom is when your life is too good.. i guess so.. but not good enuff it seems.. as with all men.. i seek for better of the goods. sad though it is.. i wish i could be on a cobblestone laid path.. strolling back to a comfy cottage by the see.. with a wafty fireplace.. and cosy kitchen.. red bricked all round. and view of an endless see set before me.. and the breeze of it toward me.. but it isn't meant to be. as the world we live in concretes it self with money and all else is lost..

with bits and shreds of humanity that blooms only to rot and wither with debauchery.. human weakness..

vulnerable

2007-12-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

i feel it at times.. or most of the times.. we are always in need to hold up something and how it isn't penetrable or somethign of such measure.. it seems to feel that much more present today than in others.

you know when pple say its alright ot show the world your softer side or that being vulnerable is not a bad thing but please.. this sounds damn ass cliche and honestly such advse could and would have been plain suicidal if everyone is to be as such. well cos technically we as humans won all do it.. they are bound to be some pple who would be twisted enuff to manipulate pple knowing their vlunerabilities..

quintessentially.. after all has been said and done.. we as humans are becoming more and more aware of the dangers that may be.. and looking at the impending trent that is developing and enveloping the world..i daresay.. days when individuals segregate and the whole world turns cold is such a not so distant future...

------------\

went out today.. not that i dun alwaiz.. but it was different today.. it was just dinner.. but it was kinda nice.. in a simple sort of way. its been a long time since just calling someone out fo dinner.. well today i asked wanlu out.. a poly mate whom i hardly contacted in ages.. sadly.. but we did get acquainted so i thot it good to hang out and be updated sorts. it all turned out pretty nice.. or in a weird sense seeing two individuals muttering nothings and being unable to take reigns on things.. well more like one party was being polite and cordial by saying anything would do.. the other would not want to impose upon any thing which may come across as not so pleasant to the other perons.. hence moments of waiting and indecisive behaviour emerges.. but thankfully we manage to get some spot.. to grab grub..and this time it was a case of the person and not the food.. where eating really is the company.. and te food may have turned cold or may not be as delicious as expected .. well all is forgotten.. all that is held in opinion is the perons and the content exchanged..

it was a pleasant dinner

a long tail.

2007-12-10T07:27:00.000-08:00

wat started as an inspired anecdote is goign to mutate into a draggy novela.

through all the quirks i've been through this has to be the motherload.

i always thot that live would be alittle smoother.. but it seems that my faith is unfounded..and it by itself is not the basic reason for this baseless grumbling over the minuscule particle called bytes which i am occupying.

well first thing on handd would be an immense apology.. not sure this works..but it feels kinda like i have let this blog down abit.. a long un foretold hiatus.. or just sheer abandonment.. has left with me with a limp wrist and a lacking of motivation to write.

its one of thos e periods when everything and anything is happening.. and some days are so beautiful that you would stop to see the sky and the clouds roll by and the birds chirp.. and i can telll you those days were absolutely scenic. but some how.. over the unfurling ofthe day.. many uglies overcast the day and turn it into poop.

well updates... started going to beach volley.. trying to head down every weekend. but can;t cos . last week got guard.. next weekend got wedding.. sigh..missing two weeks in a go.. sure wish i dun lose momentum.

beginning to miss rowing.. alot.. ALOT.. i so wanna go back to rowing.. gliding down a flat surface of water on a scull..the exhilirating peace.. haha..
but at the same time hoping to take up wake boarding.

spent a hundred -ish for a shirt for my sisters wedding..

bought a gift for sijin for 2 hundred - ish.

Oh.. which brings me to.. me and Sijin.. Sijin.. is this person (felt almost wanting to put her down as fairy like being) whom i met at a seven eleven in singapore. and then later "had feelings." but in recent times.. things has changed.. no more loving phone calls.. touchy sweet dollops for messages. weet nothigns.. ample smiles.. lovely pictures.. sweet thots and memories. and not forgetting webcam moments. but i guess the ending was foreseen by many .. as long as they had eyes.. they could and would be able to see where is would have gone and it happened to have gone jsut there.. after some not answering.. and not replying.. i think we are over.. much as i not wish for it to be.. it is.. sad but true..

well at this point in time i guess eveyone must be thinking i am some shallow ass who is only after looks..
well yes.. i agree... i am into girls with looks.but it is the first point on contact.but that would be besides the point.. because.. i liked her.. for her ability to accept me..and her enthusiasm toward me..it was never b4 kinda thing..and it deeply affects me.. knowing that no one has ever done that and perhaps no one ever would..

just sorry to see her go.. but it would be wats best for her too.

i am dying..shrivelled.. whithered,,

2007-10-28T06:52:00.000-07:00

lets see... i am as the title would say...

sigh.. i am all sapped. say i am an arian. i am born in some shite period with a

shrivelled drought 100x that of estonia or any ofthose good sounding but truly wretched

places... i am so in the state of being sapped dry..

well.. enuff with the metaphors.. i am just in a sinewy mess..

i felt her.. i feel her.. and i want her.. and much more than that... she is one whom i

would dearly lay down my life for.. but yet somehow i am left bare.. its like.. here

stand.. (or sit) proclaiming that i love her.. but my inability to do anything to bring us closer makes me feel terribly inept.

i feel truly blessed.. and i would still remember.. that very moment that she hit me like a a quivering arrow buried deep.

but i feel like i am loosing it.

gosh.

well.. till i blog agai i guess

my dream

2007-10-21T09:12:00.001-07:00

omg.. i so want this.. more than any ferrari or maserati you can give me..

i would want this on my wedding day.. and one which i shall drive.. through age , sickness and poverty (choy!!!!)can i have this in white with GPS and a huge sunroof.

dun worry Sijin.. i haven forgotten you.. you'll always be number one.

my dream

2007-10-21T09:12:00.000-07:00

i dun get it..

2007-10-17T21:15:00.000-07:00

lets see... everyone whom i have met so far sayd my family is warth and hit.. but honestly i am geting quiet cheesed..sometimes i relaly wish i lived in my own house.. only that is not possible.. cos the house cos like astronomical amounts.. and the hold lifestyle thign bascially leaves you with no air..so my alternative is to get out of the house as and when i can..

like today.. well a couple of days..my mum suggested changing the sideboard.. so she got it swapped out.but the old one she held back instead of gettgin the contractor to ship it out.. but she kept it. and for a couple of say she was deliberating wat to do with it.. and i was like.. ok...
just keep me out of it..

then.. she decides she wants to cut it up.. so being a son.. i helped.. but my word.. after that.. it did not work out.. she kinda demanded that i ship it out of the house.. all i did was tell her to hold on for a while.. and next thing you knoe.. she throws this piss fit about em not caring about the house.. about condescending the very existence of the house..(i just blamed it on menopause
) but fuck it.. its like.. too much of it.. i am human too.. and you aren the only one with a bloody temper.. i have a temper much worse and i have to put up with this??

ever thot of our stand.. i donot disrespect the house we live in.. or my parents.. but a stretch is a stretch.. so dun get too far..

i love my family but i just am not the sort that huddels with family.. we can share jokes and laugh.. but i need and want my private space alot.. call it selfish.. but with a world that has alot more freedom than me.. i kinda need this to keep me sane..

(in a calmer mood)

another thign.. is the pursuit of love..i met this dream... well more like some one saw my dreams and casted a mould..and form that mould came this person.. who just fits the job description( like there is one) .. and she is Sijin.. someone whom i met by accident. and incidentally and infatuation and now a relationship.which is alot more straight forward then anything else in this part of the world.. and incredible becase i am not the sweetest darling around.. and i am pretty much ERIK by gaston leroux.. so to have her.. i feel more than thankful for. but whenever my spirits soar and every sight sound of her. the feelings of reality hold me back even more.. i long more and more for her touch.. for her sweet mouthings .. for us to speak face to face.. for us to face life eventually.. hopefully..

but as if reality is not hard anuff.. i have parents who are kinda cajolling at the wrong time.. you know when you have this dream that you know is possible.. but in your parents eyes you just seem like a toad calwing it way out of a tank... they jsut smirk and tell you "you go boy..." like it helps.. and its worse when i am serious.. it makes me feel i am crazy.. and maybe i am.. but wanting to flyover to meet with one whom i know not when i would meet again issit insane? or is holding on to something for months on end.. with a tinge fo sustenance worth it...i have been waitin for about half a year..and i intend to wait more..should i?

i think i want to.. i know i want to.. and i know i am going to. but a relationship is not all me..its also her... will she wait.. and even if she does.. issit fair for her? its no longer like in 14th century england where you have george bernard shaw and mrs patrick campbell where you all just write to each other all your lifes.. i am not sure this is enuff.

no matter how we correspond... the eventuality is that we have to arrive at some point for an absolution..or else.. it would be just an idea with nothign concrete..

i wish to fly to korea and see her... its not like i am asking my parents to sponsor my trip?
i know my education is important.. but i am serving blardy national fucking service..which leaves me sitting duck..
so wat education are you tok ing about..

and going there for a few days.. its a absolution of sorts fr me.. but to my parents it s a joke..

just need to vent this.. dunnoe how long i can hold this..

oh my oh my..

2007-10-11T03:26:00.002-07:00

dug through some of my old thrash.. and i am so glad i found this song thats playing in the background.

i trust pple who have popped by or has spoke to me.. know that i am pretty much attached.. and this song.. just clicks it.. and if you want to .. just tunr it up and rock on.. oh.. my.. i feel my booty shaking.. hahaha..

to my dearest Sijin.. Love you alot.. love you always.

oh my oh my..

2007-10-11T03:26:00.001-07:00

another post.

2007-10-03T06:29:00.001-07:00

started this blog awhile back.. feels like forever... well it should be,.

seeing this blog skin of mine makes me feel vague nostalgic..

alot to see and re-see.. wondering how all through did i become..

and wat eventuality has been derived of me.

here i am in front of one blaring screen.. writing as though i am watching the life of

my own through another... all through my life.. i have to say that i have many reasons

to not be unhappy... but somethings make me even more unhappy.. but this i shall leave

to divulge in some old sweet time should my spirits defect toward the nightly shade

once more...

from the darker side that reigned once.. comes the merryment that would cast it

aback.

its been so long since i lay word upon this parchment of my life... a seemingly

endless scroll that through one carve the very essence of living on, and plenty has happen..

a frenzy that rushes by. leaving my conciousness in relative sloth and so i am thankful.

well in recent times. alot has happened.. and alot i am waiting to happen..

one of my bestest buddy had her 21st birthday. and having known her for so long.. it seems only fitting to lay some tracks should i grow senile one day. so that i shall have a source to reminisce about..

haha

others are just my pinings and yearn. i have waited for even longer than i thought possible.

i met her by chance in june.. never have i thot i would carry on till now..

but i do dearly love her.. and i miss her dearly too.. hopes are mounting with each passing day that i would meet her and that we would be able to bask in each others presence.

i hope it be soon..

last published aug 11th

2007-09-01T09:03:00.001-07:00

its another day.. its hard not to feel lonely even though i am constantly surrounded by pple.

colleagues at work... strangers packing me.. on the train.. and my family.. who is ever there.. and i am ever grateful for their being there for me..

but i still long and wish forher by my side... ever pondering and ever longing for that fateful day.. when the wait is over and the eventuality presents itself to me..
i would hold on.. teeth gritting.. awaiting the arrival of then.

lets see.. emotionally deprived in certain areas.. and not feeling all well.. that.. kinda summarises me today.. emotions.. have been pretty stagnant.. well as they say.. stability is key..

not feeling well.. cos of training for cd parade.. abt dehydrated.. and not rested.. so stomac is suffering abit.. at this moment..but the climax.. is not when i rush toilet.. nonono.. but it was lunch today..

its kinda strange.. cos my parents have always been into chinese food.. like chinese chinese.. dun even think of putting in a shred of modernity into it..kind of.. well if modernity blends in well no prob.. other than that.. well.. should we decide to dine.. the modern westerninse.. zen... health food style sushi bar would defintely be the last place my parents ever set foot in..

so big surprise when they decided to step into my humble house at the esplanade... i really loved the food anf the furnishing.. and the music..and the waitress..erm.. i menat their service.. hahh..bleah..

well.. its a spread that is fantastic.. and seeing my mum enjoying fusion food for the first time.. i was very happy..and alittle shock.. haha..

well imagine this. a side buffet of dessert salad and FOIE GRAS.. hahahaha

and a foray of other dishes made with such exquisite attention.. with a view of the singapore waterfront..marvelous..

after that a short walk round the esplanade..

and then.. home...

sleepy.. crash.

wat a day..

2007-08-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

well its a couple of days mushes together to form this post..

sorry for the so many un-posts.. been serious busy.. with work..and sleep..

well sleep mostly.. haha

well ever since "work" started ... my biological clock has gone haywire..so o tend to be unable to fall asleep.. at first.. then i would stone.. and crash..

the next day.. i would sleep almost any where i can find basically..in the train.. the bus.. the store.. my chair at work..even on bar flooring.. haha

well its unavoidable i guess.. and at work.. when things get bad.. like busy.. it can be relaly heated.. nd being in customer service.. ain making it better.. but at elast it manageable..thanks alot to my senior and my boss..

well.. loads happened.. i almsot swallowed my tongue when i made a mistake during a solemn ceremony for national day... almost lost a chunk of the speech..hhahaha

well its due to bad hearing..hahah

well later the next day.. i was alsmot heaving to sleep.. cos i was so exhausted from not having enough rest.. to i gradually but surely dosed off into my dreams..
it was a moist sweet cloud that is all sweet and spicy.. a wiff would send you afloat towards to heavens... (try and figure this out yourself.. should be darn simple)

well one moment she was in my dreams.. and the next moment.. she rang me..(before the phone call she actaully smsed me.. all the way from korea..) and when i picked up.. i heard this unfamiliar clatter in the background.. which kinda made me more puzzled.. and then.. a voice called out my name in a way that it could on be her... hehehe

here she is..

well she rang me all the way from korea.. and it invigorated me.. i was like recharged instantly.. oh yes.. hahah

ad then.. we chatted up.. slow as it was .. she is the sweetest thing.. and so now.. its email.. msn.. sms.. and phone calls too.. though not very frequent.. but it makes it ever so special.. kinda festive even.. hehe

=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

another day.. well.. today actually. after a night of saying endless goodnites and deciding who should go offline first.. me and Sijin fianlly rested for the night.. and this morning i was to wake for a few appointments.. more like.. to be late..

cos i woke up and 11.. which is rare..maybe cos the dream was just so good..

then.. as my usual self.. i washed up.. grabbed watever was lying around.. and went out of the house.. to meet radha and peihua.. one for lunch the other for dinner. met up for a meal.. they were not however the meal.. (sorry/... bad sentence structuring)

well met radha.. she was waiting for me.. or the other way.. and then.. it was Haagen Daz for ice-cream.. then it was DISTURBIA.. shia lebouf is not bad.. although it seesm his roles so far has always been love sick teenager always smitten by some chick but forever with no balls to proper get hr out.. other than beyond normal circumstances..like being a "Wat do you call a male DAMSEL???" when he was reaching out sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard for his mail.. he desperately needed help..

hahha.. but in the end he gets the gal.. well.. duh...

but thestory is so awesome.. house arrest turns psycho homicide thriller.. altough it did smudge the image of carrie ann moss in my head.. still like her in matrix better....

then there after... we shopped around abit.. and then.. i met up with peihua.. shopping? well yah.. then met up with alot of familiar faces.. kinda freaked me out.. did not expect to be THIS small..bought a t shirt from river island.. for the beach sorts i think.. haven decided.. just tho it was the thorn among the bushes.. so i got it.. haha.. and plus it was on sale.. so yah..

followed by dinner.. which was at food republic.. which is really pretty good.. but 7 90 for laksa.. feels alittle cut throat..but piping hot..

and then.. alittle more walk.. and thats my day for now..

till i blog again..

flirtatious me..?

2007-07-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

alot going through my brain right now..

so much so.. i need an exit.. that no one could provide ...
a lonesome corner of sorts...

the sort where you wish the whole world could relay the message to ones ears..
true hints.. as though a population of hints were flowing right through and the listener would pick out specifics.. nd catch the hint...

unfortunately however such subtlety does no exist...
and knowing it so blatantly kinda makes it harder for
one to find such avenues.

i have recently been twining into this gargantuan ball called love...

or in my sister's opinion.."not another one of your silly infatuations.. sigh..."

which could be so.. and it does seem alittle far fetched.. but the main difference is the response.. it ain a... i like you very much.. and then girls runs away like she sees a ghost scenario...

its when "i love you back" appears and suddenly.. i am on cloud "not sure howmany"

and then.. all the hestiations clear.. and i feel so gratified to be able to pronounce that the ambiguity has gone... but a long wait has just begun..

somehow one would think.. wat if.. thinks just fall through..with i thousand "no"s i hope it does not..

well.. just praying to whoever is the all powerful supreme being or otherwise who is somehow yoyo-oing with my fate string or seomthing.. please.. dun do this for too long..

and i miss her sooo much... i could almost not bear it.. not being able to see her.. but to always think of her.. and have images of her flashing by...

i just miss her..

deathbed memories..

2007-07-13T08:52:00.001-07:00

deathbed memories..

sounds grim..

but its inevitable..a finite counter to the chapters to our lifes..

well melodramtically..it would be the surrounded by everyone and then you weep your hearts out..

but wat issit that would dwelve in your mind.. apart form the feeling of sadnes.. and being drenched by both the overwhelming tearing sensation cos its very infectious.. or blanket of melancholy..

i know to many out there.. they must be wondering.. ..

wat a topic to be done on Friday the 13th..

well my life i hope to be long and fruitful.. as does everyone..

but i fear i will live one with plenty of regrets..

for my 20 years i have plenty to regret.. things i probably would have forgotten when i die.. but should i go tomorrow.. touch wood.. but is not impossible..
i should feel i have owed too many too much..

for freinds who unconditonally stayed by me.. and provided me with company.. and air ..to breathe.. when home seems to squeeze me..

and also to fiends.. who gave me my occasional release of anger.. sorry if i can;t control it.. but releasing it feels so good.. albeit on inanimate objects..

but i regret neglecting.. my studies.. although i did not bear much liking for it..
i regretted being a moron at times.. sometimes i still am..
i regret missing so many opportunities life has presented me..

well lets hope it ends there...

and lets hope i live longer to make up for things..

2007-07-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

deathbed memories.. this is to remind me about wat to write next time..

hmmm
dear me..

i love .. i miss.. and i dearly wish to be by her side..

but it would be a long gruelling wait.. omg..

but i still do like her..

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arghh

2007-07-06T07:31:00.001-07:00

i dunnoe.. but i think my body is not goign to take it too well..

maybe will break in acouple of days.. acouple of loose screws.. wrecked joints..

who knows..

well look at it this way.. my week has been slammed.. think like everyday drying..so soon.. i should be able to snap and appear in a biscuit advertisement..

well.. its misery alot of times. OUCH... big time.. 시진 i haven't been toking to her.. sadly so.. cos she is busy.. and i am busy.. and i am stoned.. feeling dreadfully guilty.. it was soddingly horrid..

well just hope that we could have more time for gel-ing. Guess the hunch i had would soon materialize..sadly..

well being the turnip i am.. i think i am at least grateful that my life ain all empty.. but sometimes.. i really wish my life was a little more involved..
more like.. its full.. i am always doing something... but its just the meaning.. where am i heading... wat meant wat and who is to who to me.. etc...

well.. before this piece it becomes a suicide note.. lets lighten up..

lets see sculling for one.. massively difficult.. the coordination etc..

the balancing the scull.. massive stuff..

and then.. lets see.. its basically the same old same old from there..
think wake at 4 am work till 5 30 get home reach home at 7 ish 8.. and then..its dinner.. rest.. net.. some tv.. and snooze.. and it repeats it self..

if only i could lead a care free 24 hours.. siting on the deck of an itama 55 .. with two riedel flutes of old-time bollingers...and seating with love one in my arms. as we look out into the horizon.. into the faraway sun.. as it veils inself below the ocean blue..

then... we'll head to shore.. raise a small fire... have a small roast.. then we'll stay by the "hearth" for warmth.. as we lie back and look into the night sky.. hunting for stars...

and then the rest.. maybe pple who come across my blog can add to it.. hahha.. nights..

me again..

2007-06-27T05:34:00.001-07:00

ARIES- Irresistible
Nice Love is one of a kind. Great
listeners Very Good in bed... Lover
not a fighter, but will still knock
you out. Trustworthy. Always happy.
Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY
FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a
beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE
MOST IRRESISTIBLE.

WOW>. i had no idea..

Struck.. dead struck

2007-06-22T21:20:00.001-07:00

here she is.. and with a moment of elation that supersedes all else..

.. well the story was like this..

about a month ago.. i was attached..but then..i got ditched.(for details read earlier posts.)

and for a few weeks after.. i've lost taste for all things really..
it was front after front..i felt like knifing myself cos of the guilt
caused.. but regardless..its good to see that me and my ex are on friendly good terms once more..at least on the surface.. (maybe under it.. there is a simmering sense of resentment.. who knows..) well i clawed on..

it was different.. after the relationship..one feels alittle numb..
not so much up and ready like.. when you are in it..i was totally sapped.

and then.. came the issue about a friend who thought that i was interested in his love interest.. and then.. i felt like busting a cap in my temple..

seriously felt like dying..cos i asked her( my friend's love interest) out to just make a number cos a frined had free tix and also ask my frined along to mould things up with the girl.. but he could not make it.. and then some hoohah later.. things fell back into place.. hopefully..

the above which all happened in about a duration of a month..(wat a life i have)

and then.. remember the part i said about a friend of mine and a friend's love interest?? well us three went to sentosa for a night out.. some concert thingy at del mar.. but we got bored.... and she had to leave early so me and my friend went to get a drink. and deciding that del mar over charges and although he owes me money .. i dun want to kill him.. we decided on 7-11 instead. only to meet a bunch of gals from Korea who were lodging nearby (hotels on sentosa) coming round to grab some grub. One of them caught my eye.. but i thot it a fluke and decided to move on.. then later..when i was near the drink sect. there she was again.. trying to figure which was the "cherry beer" or cherry flavoured liquour.. which i then pointed out to her.. and then we started to converse and later we started taking pictures.. exchanging email addresses and eventually we arrive at the point of when we departed for our drinks and them back to their lodgings.

a couple of days later.. got an email from her.. and now.. it has evolved into a starburst LDR..

seems almost too good to be true.. having seen so many love song mtvs..

of course.. one would hope for something like this to last..

feel like i could fly.

ecstacy.

oh my god..

2007-06-16T19:10:00.000-07:00

over specialize and you'll breed weakness.. its slow death....
lets see.. does this mean that only by cross breeding with another species that we'd be able to continue this means of living.

hmmm well its all this hypothesis that lead us to a worry or constantfear even of species annihilation..a terrifying deal i suppose but non the less plenty to keep the world busy with..

but there is only that much we could do..
wat if... just wat if we really die out..

imagine wat would come out next.. imagine if we died out..
would we be like dinosaurs?

advancement and the need to participate in advancement.
wouldn't that make us the most painful specimens to ever be harvested..

if only we'd slow down..

ok

2007-06-09T21:01:00.001-07:00

Your Observation Skills Get A B-

Your senses are pretty sharp (okay, most of the time)
And it takes something big to distract you!

How Observant Are You?

erm

2007-06-09T20:54:00.005-07:00

You Are 80% Open Minded

You are so open minded that your brain may have fallen out!
Well, not really. But you may be confused on where you stand.
You don't have a judgemental bone in your body, and you're very accepting.
You enjoy the best of every life philosophy, even if you sometimes contradict yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

if only

2007-06-09T20:54:00.003-07:00

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.
And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.
Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.
And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

omg.

2007-06-09T20:33:00.003-07:00

You Follow Your Heart

You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional.
You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly.
Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you.
You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature.
Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind

Do You Follow Your Head or Your Heart?

bored somemore

2007-06-09T20:32:00.001-07:00

Your Slanguage Profile

Canadian Slang: 50%

Prison Slang: 50%

Southern Slang: 50%

Aussie Slang: 25%

New England Slang: 25%

British Slang: 0%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

oh.. really??

2007-06-09T20:27:00.001-07:00

You Are a Mac

You are creative, stylish, and super trendy.
You demand the best - even if it costs an arm and a leg.

Are You a Mac or a PC?

boredX2

2007-06-09T20:13:00.005-07:00

You are a Self-Discoverer

You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality.
Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine.
You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion.
You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

bored

2007-06-09T20:13:00.003-07:00

You Will Be a Cool Parent

You seem to naturally know a lot about parenting, and you know what kids need.
You can tell when it's time to let kids off the hook, and when it's time to lay down the law.
While your parenting is modern and hip, it's not over the top.
You know that there's nothing cool about a parent who acts like a teenager... or a drill sergeant!

Would You Be a Cool Parent?

oh..

2007-06-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

the infinite followings for a title..

yes.. for the music in the background.. and the loungingn feeling i have early in the morning at 11 in the morning.. after breakfast and a nice cuppa.\

no..cos life ain all fine.. alot of misses.. plenty or false hits. alot of stress to come.. and many others i find hard to count..

people i care about.. people who dun care if i care.. pple who care but i dunnoe care.. pple who care too much.. pple who dun care at all. pple who makes me wanna care but later shouts "leave me alone"...

pple i miss..and pple i MISS..

its this sort of reminiscing moment that makes me wonder.. with a life that has so many portholes.. it makes life like a finger and all the grooves.. unique yes.. but sometimes quite a headache.

is there a cure for all these??

perhaps a good greasy spoon breakfast..anyone knows where there is one?
hehe

erm.. thi sis me??

2007-06-06T07:17:00.001-07:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

not being a sexist ..

2007-06-03T07:15:00.001-07:00

really not being a sexist or anything.. but ..

which would you choose??

Aston Martin V8 Vantage??

or

the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder??

well let me know wat ya think.. who ever pops by..

cos i love both..

sorry but i multi time when it comes to cars. sorry..

its amazing

2007-06-03T06:02:00.000-07:00

alot has happend in a week.

lets see..i got attached before.. and then i fell out of love. so to speak..

well for those looking for laugh .. yes i've been ditched.. (long story) will explain if i have the time.

see another friend get hitched in a weird sort of way..kinda like unrequited.. but some how thot i saw sparks... wait.. i meant i THOT i saw..

then when with rachel and benny to cafe del mar for some boring party.. cos the crowd were looking to chill.. so were exactly enthu..then al three of us went for the three circular hold on for your life and spin till you wanna feel like barf-ing thing. glad to say we all survived it.. alot of mad pple went to..

then rachel left early.. so me and benny when to seven 11 to grab some stuff (its cos he owes me a drink) me trying not to break his bank made off with beer,,hah .. anymore than that think he gotta sell his leg i guess.. haha

just kidding.. well we were at seven eleven and we saw this three korean gals not too bad if i should add.. and we exchanged email addresses.. and we were on our way.. oh yah.. and one of them called benny gorgeous..hahhaah

well after all the tulmultuous-ion if there is such a thing..hmmm

well

well..

well....

i ran out.. well see ya..

expectations..

2007-05-29T07:45:00.001-07:00

i think my expectations in life.. is unreal..

i feel that one day i may get crush by my eyes.. or in someway.. kinda at least..

well whenever i see something..i have expectations for it.. but wat if it falls short??

and then i move on.. but not all things are disposable.. wat if its something you can't undo??

hmm

well i guess this is ultimately the human process..

lets pop the bubbly.. not just yet..

2007-05-29T05:10:00.001-07:00

hmmm.. where should i even begin.. lets see new song..

a new beginning i guess..

well instead of les brown.. i am still sticking to diana krall..wat a relief.. as i was just about to get bored of the songs that i have.. the one playing in the back ground so rescued me..

non of the big swing.. but boy.. she sure sooths me...

well.. enuff of a fabulous singing blonde whom i dunnoe..

recently a frined of mine.. wanted to introduce some gal to me.. and well common sense would tell you that it probably ccrashed and burnt and well wat good could come out of it.. almost,.. and those with common would be able to tell.. that.. yes..it is indeed smoked..

then thinks got here and there.. and now we are platonic.. not a bad feeling.. just a pity considering she is smart and pretty... guys now must be thinking she is some wonder.. but to bad we just dun mix.. so no choice lah..

then a couple a weeks back.. throgh sheer chance i got hitched..this time to an acquaintance for sometime.. well things are warming up.. but not sure how things will go..hmmm we'll see..

its so wierd.. when you like someone.and you hit a wall.. and at times. someone likes you and he or shee hits the wall.. and thats only the beginning.. the endless equations and probability just arouses so many minds out there...

well hope things..

and if someone could.. just comb through my mind..untangle my thots..

and maybe warble alittle of diana krall.into my ears...

till i blog again..

lets pop the bubbly.. not just yet..

2007-05-29T05:10:00.000-07:00

wat can i say... i suck..

2007-05-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

well ns is not too bad.. kinda getting the hang of it.

and i finally got the platoon t done. thanks to benny for his immense help and his fantastic drawings..

sigh...

ever go out.. meet someone.. then ....

you dun say anything..

sigh..

i feel like some big fat failure..

well i am one to begin with i guess...

hahha

maybe i'll meet someone more alkali metals than noble gases the next time..

just maybe not caesium strong..

haha

well..

till i blog again..

hmm

2007-04-20T04:34:00.000-07:00

ns is kinda sucky i have to say..

i mean its easy to pass...

but the experiencing part is a little gut wrenching..

but yes i am grateful for two years worth of free lodging on prime real estate.

but restricted parole and food that taste like i cooked it half awake is hardly the perfect compliments..

only being difficult and picky.. haha

but there are items a plenty that i really love and would still love to have in a place of my own..

the nightly tranquil..

without the noises on the urban city..

lush green growths.. misty mornings..and morning dewy air.

just the other day i was being drilled at night..and whilst in drill i peered toward my right side and caught a rare glimpse some could see but none really savoured.

its the new crecscent.. thin and sleek.. on a dish of sky showered with stars aplenty and over the arrangement of these condiments is a veil of a light rainbow .. pianting the pale moon a multitude of colours.

mesmerizing.

i am in camp.. haha

2007-04-13T06:31:00.000-07:00

i am in ns.. so blogs will be less frequent then ever..

to all those who pop by .. thanks and take care..

till i blog again..

erm.. ok..

2007-04-07T00:49:00.002-07:00

ok.. i am kinda into horoscopes.. (well not the everyday before i am out of the house that kinda fanatic)

well here is something i saw on friendster.. hmm..

liar??i feel so cheated.. haha..

well i think this must fake except all the good parts... hahah

ARIES - The Liar
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one
to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser
EXTREMELY adorable. Loves
relationships, Addictive. Loud. 16
years of bad luck if you do not
forward.

the bad luck part is well..just some silly superstition..hahha:P

till i blog again..

sorry for not blogging for so long..

but my post just cannot make it..

somehow went i post it disconnects.. sigh..

omg..

2007-03-29T05:34:00.000-07:00

remember sophie marceau??
melissa theuriau??
nigella lawson??

well these women were and still are in my list of "my gawd!! why aren any ladies i know like them"

well another one to add but this time she is asian..
yummy..

ok that sounded wrong..

she is..

尹乃菁 (for those without mandarin support OR that bloger screwed up again...its Yin Nai Jing)

she is famous taiwanese reporter/ variety show host.

omg..

women need to look more like them.. haha,.. just kidding.

kisses..

2007-03-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

smack from reality..

humans are creatures of nature deprivation and defiance.

elaboration in accordance to ince understanding may lead to anothers misunderstanding.

and where upon conflict becomes apparent is when the presence of patience have lacked..

man is in it self at odds with all thats around...with no regard to principle if

strictly pursued. in which case the very basic of their existence..

may happines be bound to all man..

be enlightened and enlighten others...

hmm

2007-03-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

just in case i get pelted for not updating again.. here is me updating...

well.. apart fomr my little monitor catastrophe.. nothing special..

and yes.. planning for chalets is fantastic fun.. not.. ..

well you really feel like you could be missing out on something..

like some details.. etc..

the food.. the accommodation..

the place... the the.. the.....

ermmm..

well... i am feeling dreamy..at 3 am in the morning.. one can hardly be any less of it...

well lets see... recently drawn to french comedy.. by christopher aleveque..

hmm

oh

2007-03-17T05:02:00.000-07:00

shikes.. this is bad.. i am sorry that i haven updated my blog in ages..

sigh...i am toast..

well more accurately.

its my computer..and i thot i was devastated...

topgear would be gone.. mp3s.. watching dvds...

speaking with friends on msn...

shopping online for sexy underwear.. ooops!!!

nahhh... just kidding..

well its really hairy to have no monitor..

and worse still it kinda blew up... hmm..

haha.. well its imagery warped .. adn well it got worse..

so when you cannot see you will just yearn for but a peek..

haha..

and so my devious head went to work..

and boy was the devious..really devious

..

well instead of my old skool 17" monitor..

which died btw..
i did not swap for another monitor..

instead... i used my projector.. wich kinda makes for a almost 50" screen on th wall..

i have to say... need for speed and grand theft auto never looked soooooooooo good...

well more posts to come.. dun fret..

the hiatus is over...

and all is well..

till i blog again..

hmm.. nice quote. i'm bored..

2007-03-04T02:46:00.000-08:00

forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds from the heel that crushes it

ok.. ok.. i get it..

2007-02-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

ok.. finally got my foot down on something hope it turns out fine
.
.
.
.
and being a considerate blogger i shall change the background music..

cos someone does not know how to appreciate it.. haha..

okok.. just joking...

and another thing.. i am not..for one second a david tao fan..or a jolin fan too.

so if you are to talk to me about them.. please dun blmae me for the blur look..

cos i seriously sotong-ded..

sigh..

2007-02-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

turning 21

am i suppose to be afraid.. or am i suppose to be afraid..

a few months ago.. or years ago.. this would be so

i should have yearned so much for this day to come..

but now that it looms closer.. i dread it sorta...

it is suppose to be a phase.. one that is a little bit bigger

than i hoped it'll be..

i dunnoe.. its the one time.. that i sincerely hope for

a simple happy birthday..

well at the same time .. many pple wishing me happy birthday is fun too..

hmm

gosh...

dilemma..

fearsome woman..

2007-02-15T06:57:00.000-08:00

quote from pride and prejudice..that an accomplished woman.. in the eyes of mr darcy.. would be truly fearsome..

i have did it again..and this time.. fearfully.. is my second..
not sure how i should put it so i shall be as forth right in so doing as i can..

i admit before i am to let myself crumble and show me as but a shapeless turd upon the lowly floors..that i am infatuous.. as with all and every soul worth being infatuated..

and recently i have met with two woman.. of different backgrounds.. well being different persons it would come as no surprise..with all due respect..they were uniquely attractive..

one is a chatty.. amiable.. simple.. bubbly..trendy..

the other intelligent..well read...well spoken..and also very amiable too..

but both of whom i have a lacking of courage..to put my foot down and spur myself in pursuit..

in both cases.. i was a coward.. a soldier who put circumstances before me and lay a thick hedge form which behind i hid in shame..

i so wish i have the courage to be romantic and take the leap which so many hath taken...

maybe in due time..

out again..

2007-02-01T02:47:00.000-08:00

sorry its been soooo long sinced i've blogged.. but work and all else in between has got me pretty slammed..well.. it ain all bad..

two outings not reported yet.. cos after the outings,, i am probably too tired to do anything.. for one. and for the ether well i think i just plain got lazy..

well hung out with val and went to the beach .. andgot roasted further..which is not bad.. if i might add.. i actually look not bad i think..but too bad it'll all go away cos i dun have the opportunity to get tanned all that often..

wellhung out and the beack and went to vivo later for dinner and a movie..death note 2 to be precise.. pretty cool flick ..full of interesting weirdoes.. haha..

then until recently al and i went to the zoo.. and i have to say.. sinapore is tourist friendly man.. such amentities are so not affordable.. wateva the gov says.. but it relaly is a bit steep to step in to the zoo. and those motorised buggies for rent are a hellishly scary 25 a piece for a day.. i can only imagine their profit margin sort of....gosh... well apart fomr which it has a fantastic view of a hugely fantastic reservoir.. cute animals.. mostly not moving or asleep..ducks that respond to my quacking.. a whole tank of cockroaches.. a few pigs.. can't say more cos they smell..haha.. and i was a ehart warming experience relaly to be able to touch and see all these.. knowing and seeing wat the current generation are actually getting..some think fish come from nature all breaded and deboned.. so thinking of gens later.. it could be pretty harsh..

it was a pretty good day if i might add.. fair breeze with the sun beaming slightly.. not like that day at the beach. and i was relaxing thoough at the end endlessly exhauting as well..

dragged myself back.. and snoozed.. thank god the next day it my off day as well.. hahah..

til i blog again.. maybe pics taken in the zoo next time...

i miss you so..

2007-01-25T05:29:00.000-08:00

i miss you so.. an endearing statement.. but say it to the wrong gal.. boy it could go so wrong..

not that i have tried.. and not that i am that stupid.. ahah...

well familiar as it is in the song playing ..

well its nice to miss and be miss..

kinda like a moment of anguish .. awaiting the one shine.. the very minute glimmer of hope..

the first rays of sunlight that beams itself into and blows all that overcasts away..in all the glory..

..

tilll i blog again..

me and leiyeng..

2007-01-17T08:56:00.001-08:00

P1050540, originally uploaded by pure T.O.N.E..

this is leiyeng.. a friend whom i got to know at sp when i was in cscc.. who is very rpo in japanese haha.. so we were kinda thinking of hanging out and gotta find something original.. in the end its some picnic at sentosa.. cos we were really bored.. and in the end we looked like lobsters.. and we went home shortly after...hehe
hhhahah..

roasting nicely.. soon to come.. peeling episode.. aha..

wat a way to go..

2007-01-17T08:43:00.001-08:00

Image(752), originally uploaded by pure T.O.N.E..

k.. normal day at work.. and suddenly this perons you see hear looms in to view.. wow.. haah..

well she is yiying.. aka bunnyy.. dun ask me about the "yy" figure it out yourself.. haha.. well.. well i only knew her from my cousin yawwy.. and we never ever met.. but then through sheer dumb luck.. we bumped into each other and met up during the weekneds for dinner..

so it was meet up at p.s.

dined at fish and co. @ the glass house.. got seats up stairs.. did not know it was open..

and later deserts at haagen daz @holland v..

then it was drop and home..fun..

meeting someone i never meet before..

need to do this more often
haha

just in case..

2007-01-17T08:38:00.001-08:00

Image(749), originally uploaded by pure T.O.N.E..

to fulfill the curious few who wish to see the after math.. well this is it.. relaly moody.. like.. one faint breathe of air moving and you'll DIE.. hahah..

well.. it was fun..

drawing hand??

2007-01-17T08:34:00.001-08:00

Image(748), originally uploaded by pure T.O.N.E..

ok.. its new years eve.. areally old piece here.. and sory but photobucket is really irritating.. well apart fomr the irate thing well com kinda went hay wire abit.. maybe its a little new.. need to be run in.. sorta.. this is Eunice and she was my kindergarten classmate.. very embarassing stuff.. but enuff about that.. well..new years eve and she ain too happy..cos we were doign uno stacko.. and she got drawn cos she fell it twice.. then we got too tired.. and i buggered off.. cos it was late.. sort off.. ahhaha..

hope she does not kill me.. haha

Flickr

2007-01-17T08:28:00.001-08:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

omg.. is that a lobster.. haha

2007-01-17T08:25:00.000-08:00

today went out with valerie..a colleague from work..

at sentosa..

met in the morning.. both very sleepy.. haha

and i was late.. a rarity if i might add.. most of the time i am early.. ahah

well went to sentosa and lazed about in the sun..

yummy.. ahha..

chips and drinks.. with loads of crap..

and the sun was so playing with us.. we moved in to the shade and not too soon after

it shifts out and we are in the glaring sun again..

really roasting stff.. if i could withstnad high heat..

i would have turned into char siew.. which i have sort off..

and so have valerie.. hehe...

then fomr snetosa we walked abotu in vivo..

grabbed a bite and headed home..

tired...

yawnx..

well bellly late.. gotta shleep..

till i blog again..

2007-01-09T06:23:00.000-08:00

sorry for the hiatusand not updating but photobucket is darn arse soddingly slow..

so bear with me please.. alot to come..and its snowballing really bad.. sorry.

erm.. seduction.. caa someone else do it..

2007-01-04T22:24:00.001-08:00

i'm crushing on you..ok.. do you prefer me to sit..or stand..

2006-12-26T08:46:00.000-08:00

i think i am a hopelessly sinfull romantic..

alittle self confessed.. well i digress..

or issit digest..

tonite i dined alone..it was really. not the best way about it..

but so far.. its been... ermm..

well a nice hot bowl of broth.. singapore tryign to be western style..

not good..

then some lamb chew..i mena some stew.. and the lamb was good.. just not th stew..

well its alittle ewww... ooh.. chew.. stew.. and ewww..

ok... then had a nice cuppa coffee.. nicely steaming up the window i sat next too..

and then pple stream by.. and i went back to spectator mode.. enjoying the meal with

a full view of wat pple are doing..

pple playing chess.. or tryin to.. and it was hilarious..

well.. i am imagining i am with someone..but its creepy.. haha

okok..

well it was good food.. sort off.. and then this punk "from amsterdam" or so he announces.. and chewing on the "shit" called the waitress..i sympathise with her .. really i do.. she has done no wrong to serve him.. and he was this singaporean junky who wanted to sit in my "imaginary friends" seat.. so i said sure..

only to regret itsoon enuff..
he was quite disagreeable..and i think i'll end there...

well that was dinner.. and i am taking a slow stroll in the rain..
got my mag and my dvd.. and off i got home..

i wish its like in the lake house.. or you've got mail... or sleepless in seattle.. maybe not sleepless in seattle... or breakfast in tiffany's...

oh.. gosh...

and i think for once..

wat does time have to do with that..

in an age when i kno not wat i am doing..

i did.. wat was deemed to be not to be done..

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trailing thots on a trickle..

relax

2006-12-19T07:50:00.000-08:00

saw this on the net.. and i thot this would be perfect..

especially if the date was boring you could just sleep it off..

imagine gymnopedie playing in the back ground..

or perhaps soothing diana krall warbling by your ears..

as you lay with your sould all ears as you waft off to rest..

the only spoiler would be perhaps if someone snored at the concert..

but this is still great..

if only something like this could be in singapore..

wafting... wafting... zzzzZZZZ....

hehe

crushed.. ep :1

2006-12-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

those who have read my blog.. would know i am infatuous..

about everything really.. from the calla lilies to one point

the renault avantime..

and most of the time my crushes aren't regretted.. thank god..

well this post is going to be about one of the frst few of my life..

so to speak anyways...

fomr the peugeot to a citroen..

to a girl i saw on television..

this would be quite literary speaking.. my first crush on a girl..

in real life..

embarrassingly enuff it occured in kindergarten.. at 5...

i've to say.. i think ihave good taste.. haha.. nah.. just kidding..

well it was the age of when i have not even know how to spell "love"

and i would write this girl notes of how i "heart" her...

"heart" of course was drawn with great attention to detail (ya .. like real..)

well notes like this must have shocked the poor girl to death..

think stalker .. haha..

come to think of it.. it is mighty scary... haha

well...

--------------------14 year later------------------------

here i am heading out to meet my friend whom i knew from attachment..

adn she said she was going to bring her boyfriend along..i was like.. ok..

and she said her boyfreinds sister was coming too..

i was thinking. knowing new pple ain that bad..

and then terror struck..

i saw my friend's boyfriend's sister and to my shock and horror..

she was the very same i had a crush on..

and well i was all awkward that evening.. and dinner was a hard swallow from choking..

haha..

well she turned out to be a very fine lady. thank god..

and one more think..

she mentioned that when i was in kindergarden i did a "hit and run"

which i had no recollection of.. apparently.. but.. if i did that.. gosh..

my first kiss ( "hit and run" refers to giving someone a thimble and running off)... oh....haa..

well.. i never born any tinge of such thing happening and i'll cross my heart

and hope to die..

its kinda funny thinking back.. i was an idiot.. still am one... maybe a bigger one still..

but those were the times when the feelings were direct.. and with no hesitation..

candid and true i guess...

not that i should mean much..but thinking of it.. makes the corner of my lips just

curl up that wee little bit..

you filled my heart with no regrets..

2006-12-15T05:33:00.000-08:00

ever wondered why songs are mostly about love??

well maybe cos its irrational..

and unexplained..so they could write all sorts of rubbish about it,

well.. the thing is.. why issit so harD??

or issit cos its too basic thats why its so hard??

why are they so many books on love this love that..

why men and women this..

why men this and why women that..

why why why...

and sometimes not with the most rational of answers..

if you spouse is not in the mood to speak... leave him alone??

wat the hell?

so you two will be like stone statuettes?? waiting to dry up and blow away??

gosh...

well if only love it simple..

like simply simple..

not the wishy washy ones now..

if only..

toking nonsense..

the world is so small..

2006-12-14T08:20:00.000-08:00

today was like seeing jensen button in singapore

who hands you the keys to his cars cos he has too many

and more in montecarlo or somethign and he signs your forehead

and at the same time you striek 4d lotto and everyother form of

money quick thing..

well it was a really hairy day today..

part scary part alofty sort..

well i went out to dine with my friends michelle

and with her boyfriend and his sister..

and this is when the big bombshell fell..

gosh..

she was my classmate in kindergarden..

omg. and worst still.. she was the one i had a crush on..

and wrote love notes to at the age of 6..

honestly i could have shot myself then..

and i regretted asking.. well almost..

but thank god it was all well and she was more chatty..

eloquent and essentially different..

in a good way..

most of the night went by with

jokes and crap..

ice breakers and jaw breakers??

a night tummy ache from all the laughing..

gosh it was good..

and yes...it still is a small world..

and i kinda like it..

yawnz...

gotta go sleep..

shopping with ladies..

2006-12-09T06:06:00.000-08:00

you know pple.. why issit so hard..

its so hard cos they is just too much to chooose..

yes... even for one store..

women can deal with multiple tasks but not multiple choice

it seems..

well correct me if i'm wrong..but this would mean mcq is definitely not their strengths

hehe..

well..was out with my mum today..

decided to spoilher abit.. so got her a louis vuitton..

but take this..

it took her five full hours..

before she settled on the speedy..

which happne to be her initial choice..

argh..

but well at least its doen and over with and my mum is happy with it..

great..

too bad could not get my dad the lv taiga wallet..cos not enuff slots..

sigh..

i wonder why shopping with women is so hard..

or maybe its just my mum.. haha.. oops..

happy holidays..

late in the night..

2006-12-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

late in the night.. with hot tea next to me..

soothing piano jazz.. tenderly massaging ears..

while i hammer away on my keyboard...

its was an exhausting day..

and i guess seeing pple around me kinda affects ..

irene is kinda bubbly.. so happy..

alena was happy in the morning.. uplifting..

linda was smiley as always..hehe

then there was farah and junni..

yati and agnes..

agnes especially.. happiness derived from wacking me.. sadist..hehe..

just kidding..

but on the whole all i am saying is that.. pple smiling about me..

makes thigns light.. and work not so unbearable..

how i wish days are liek these..

happy at work..

work work..

2006-12-06T08:06:00.000-08:00

work.. work..

be happy to..

well look at these two phrases aren't they apt..

(try saying them in the dopey gormless way like the orc peons in warcraft III)

we live in society that needs to be united as one..

think communism.. but has everyone in it crumbling for the fresh burst of freedom..

its inevitably humane..

and wat not..

well its been pretty the same .. life can;t really change much over night..

just got soem damn letter from mindef stating that i have six months more to go..

a lifetime.. fantastic..

well.. wat ever does c9 l3 means?? it sounds like i am so close to pes D..

hmm..which meant i am still at square one..

well work wise.. can;t be better..

guess y superior wasn;t in her best of moods..

but i got bloody blasted for trying to ensure that the customer

gets their package to morrow and she scowls at me for skiving...

perhaps she is being angsy about something else..

but she is so chewing on the wrong end of my already short temper..

which today seemed a tad longer. maybe cos i am tired..

sigh..

please...hope tomorrow is better..

quote of the day..

2006-12-04T08:55:00.000-08:00

never had something like that .. but just thot it would be worth putting up..

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

if only we could see beyond flesh and unearth wats beneath.. the whole race of living beings would have taken up another shape.. and set to mold generations to come.. much better...

nirvana..

friendly?? yes.. friendly

2006-12-04T02:03:00.000-08:00

work is as always..

all of a sudden i felt like i saw myself..

not like some mirror..

its like time flew back..

and i am out back in my post o's ..

working..

well recently its the hols.. and x mas is soon..

and many with too much time on their hands have turned to finding work..

and now in the bookstore i work in ..

came the youngsters.. if you will..

well i have aged.. that i do not deny..

and seeing these pple.. i guess i just let it

set in concrete..

well had loads of fun.. with them.. great bunch.. bubbly.. cutesy..

babbly... nonsensical.. somehow .. but endlessly fun..

had fun yesterday..

after work..

we had some

pictures taken

here are the shots..

this is Hidayah..and well that is me on the right..

this is Irene.. and AGAIN i am on the RIGHT..

ok we'll see when we see...and til i blog again.